"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

To be filled with Joy and Peace...that is all I want for Sela, Sloane and myself. Some days we are-we move through our day, as normal as we can be-we laugh, love and things seem joyful....then we look at a picture, or discuss a sweet memory of Marcus and our hearts lose the joy and any peace we thought we had....the heart is such a fragile thing. I truly never really knew how fragile until now. We start our group support meetings next week (we missed the one on my b-day) and I pray that the girls can connect with kids that truly know their pain. I pray that I can find other spouses who have been through this-and can tell me it will get better. I know it will, but I think hearing it from some one that has been there, done that-would help me really believe it.

Summer is almost here and I am ready for us to get moving. We have tons of plans-just gotta get them all into motion :) I want the girls to have fun. I want them to be happy. I want them to laugh everyday. Summer has always been our favorite season. We usually have a long trip to the lake. I am sure we will go, but I don't know how it will feel now. So many memories as a family there. Camping, fishing, campfires, etc...how do you return to a place that holds such happy memories, with a broken heart? I don't know how, but I plan on trying-for Sela and Sloane's sake, I will try. I will pick up my broken heart and try to create new memories with them in locations that were so dear to their Daddy's heart....

As I am typing, Sloane is digging in some cards and papers behind me and she finds a booklet from the funeral with Marcus' smiling face on the cover...she says, "Look Momma, there's Daddy...I been missin my Daddy so much...and Momma he's been missing me too, huh?" I answer with a huge lump in my throat, "Yes baby, he's been missin you too, but he's with Jesus now."

Asking for more prayers for my Sweet Sela

The past few mornings have been difficult for Sela. Yesterday when I tried to wake her up for school she was unusually sad and couldn't really get out of bed. She had a dental appointment scheduled for later in the day, so I allowed her to sleep longer and she seemed better later on. The rest of the afternoon/evening was fine. But, when I woke her up this morning, she began to sob, pretty much uncontrollably and more than she has cried since Marcus passed away. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Daddy" and I asked her what about Daddy...she had a dream about him and she was very upset. I held her and let her cry and then when she began to settle down some I asked if Daddy was well or sick in her dream? She said he was well and he was walking around her school with her, asking her how her day was, etc. To me, this was an awesome dream!! I pray to have dreams about Marcus like this...but to her, it was overwhelming and made her miss him more than ever. I assured her that this dream was Daddy's way of reaching out to her, letting her know he is still with her and will always be. I also reminded her of where her Daddy is now and we have to be so happy for him, knowing he is enjoying paradise with the Maker of Heaven and Earth!! I realize we will still be sad, but just that thought alone always makes my heart smile.

So after sleeping a little longer this morning, watching old videos on Daddy's Iphone, Sela seems better. We start our group support sessions this week and I think this will be another great way for her to discuss her feelings-with other kids her age that have also lost a parent.

So today I ask, if you have a second in your day with nothing to do...please stop and say a small prayer for my Sweet Sela's peace..she has been so strong and I know we will all have days like this, but it is much harder to see your child go through them, than go through them yourself. Thank you all..we love y'all more than you will ever know. <3

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14

I am waiting. Everyday I wait.  I wait to not feel sad. I wait for things to feel normal again.  I wait for the things in my mind that overwhelm me at the end of the day, to go away.  I pray, and I wait.  Although the majority of the past week has been ok, a few days in between have been rough.  Swimming with the girls, I look around...a dad is throwing his daughter in the pool-like Marcus would throw our girls at the lake....and I hold back tears.  Later on when I honestly tell Sela I have had a rough day, been missing her daddy a lot, she describes the same feeling when she saw her friend's dad throw her in the water.. :(  So we are feeling the same things and it seems certain moments really hit us hard.  But we keep waiting.  We pray that one day, those moments will only make us happy and not sad.  I trust they will.  It is the only way I can get out of bed.  It has to get better.  I just will not accept anything else.  We are staying busy.  I make sure activities keep us moving.  We just have to keep moving.  Yesterday we had our intake meeting at a local support group for grieving families and we will start that soon.  We are all excited about this.  I pray we meet families that can help us-and we can help-get through this difficult time.

From the lyrics of the attached song:

I wait for the Lord
My soul waits
I wait for the Lord

In his word I place my trust
In his word I rest
In his word I place my trust
for I know I must wait

Thou shall not live on bread alone
But by every word of God
I will not live by bread alone
But by every word

Placing my trust in His word is the only way I make it through each day.  So I wait.