"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you." John 15:7

So what if what I ask for is not God's will to give to me?? I know I shouldn't question anything, only trust...but this past week has been very difficult....and I am trying to be strong, trying to get Marcus to eat, walk around, engage....etc....but it is so hard. Especially when he just doesn't want to-he's tired from the pain meds, and he can't breathe-the tumor in his right lung basically has left no space and he is pretty much only working off the left lung...he still is retaining fluid....doctors say he has to eat protein and walk around for the fluid to eventually leave...but he doesn't feel hungry because he is so bloated from fluid. He doesn't want to walk because it is hard to breathe-even with his oxygen-so we are stuck....I keep pressing him to eat, walk, try-but you have to imagine how hard it must be for a man that has never needed help with anything, now needing help with pretty much everything....imagine what just that thought alone is doing to his psyche....it is hard...depressing, frustrating, guess I need to go the thesaurus for more words...but I don't feel like it...I am angry at Melanoma. I am angry at the fact that some people, no matter how much they try, just don't understand and don't get it-they take things for granted-they run to the tanning beds to look good-they don't wear sunscreen because they are too lazy-they count down the hours until they can dump their kids off on someone so they can have "me" time.......how I wish our lives were back to a time when Marcus and I couldn't wait to discuss what we were gonna eat for supper-now he stares at his food for hours-forcing himself to eat a few small bites of something, anything solid.

I'm sorry if the above sounded nutso-but at some points of the day-I guess I do feel like I'm losing my mind. But I keep pressing on. I keep begging God to guide me. To help me find new ways to encourage Marcus without being pushy-I don't want him to get mad and give up. But I want him to fight with all he has....and I know he is fighting-but the battle is so hard. And sometimes has him wondering-what if God's will is for him to come home...and not remain here with us? I ask God to please forgive me if I am being selfish, but there is no way I can fathom why God would need Marcus in heaven more than we need him here on earth with us....am I wrong to feel that way?

As I am typing this post now, Marcus is sitting at the kitchen table beside me, doing all he can to eat half of a junior burger from sonic-seriously, only half-that is it, that is all he can force himself to eat....but he is up, awake, eating, drinking water with his sonic ice he requested...and I am happy. I am refreshed from that and I will keep the Lord's words in my heart and continue to fight-and trust that God does know what is best and I accept His will to be done....even if I may not like it........