Good day

Today has been a good day-the best since we came home. Last night Marcus and I spent the night at a local hotel because he thought soaking in a big jacuzzi tub may help him feel better. So yesterday after his routine labs, we checked in and he relaxed for a few hours. When I asked him if he felt better, he kind of shook his head side to side, as if to say so-so....all I know is that he rested well last night and only woke up twice instead of every 2 hours like the past few nights and ate a few pieces of meat off the top of a slice of pizza :) This morning when we came home after checking out, he sat up at the table, actually talked some to his mom and I (he hasn't been talking much, he signs or writes things down on paper) and even drank a carnation instant breakfast shake and took his meds with no complaints!! I would say that just those events make today a good day-maybe even a GREAT day considering how this past week has gone!
The doctors office did call this afternoon though to let us know that his White Blood Count is really low-expected after chemo-but reminded us to keep him away from groups of people and especially no one that is sick-basically keep him home if possible-and take labs again on Monday instead of waiting until next Thursday....so please pray for him that his counts can come back up so he doesn't have to battle another neutropenic fever like he did in Dec.
He is still very swollen, but it has only been 2 days since he started the Lasix, so I am praying it will start working soon, without dehydrating him. His right lung is almost completely collapsed due to the tumor and fluid, so breathing has been very difficult-he pretty much has to stay on oxygen 24/7, and uses a walker to walk. Please pray the chemo starts shrinking those darn tumors, so he can start breathing better and walking again freely! He is battling so many things right now and only God can truly carry him out of this....and after all the prayers, texts, emails, etc of support we received yesterday, it is totally obvious to me that God is working and hears our prayers. My strength needed a boost-I was really crumbling fast-seeing him suffer like he has been this week has been extremely difficult for me-way harder than I ever imagined it could be-and there were moments when I thought emotionally that I couldn't take it another day.....but God is so good and He stepped in and sent me the support, encouragement and strength I needed to press on....and when I awoke this morning, I knew it would be a good day :) THANK YOU GOD!!!!
So thank you all our faithful prayer warriors-your prayers are working and believe me they are GRATEFULLY appreciated. We love you all so much and don't know where we would be without each and every one of you-you each touch our lives in a unique way-so THANK YOU!!!

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you." John 15:7

So what if what I ask for is not God's will to give to me?? I know I shouldn't question anything, only trust...but this past week has been very difficult....and I am trying to be strong, trying to get Marcus to eat, walk around, engage....etc....but it is so hard. Especially when he just doesn't want to-he's tired from the pain meds, and he can't breathe-the tumor in his right lung basically has left no space and he is pretty much only working off the left lung...he still is retaining fluid....doctors say he has to eat protein and walk around for the fluid to eventually leave...but he doesn't feel hungry because he is so bloated from fluid. He doesn't want to walk because it is hard to breathe-even with his oxygen-so we are stuck....I keep pressing him to eat, walk, try-but you have to imagine how hard it must be for a man that has never needed help with anything, now needing help with pretty much everything....imagine what just that thought alone is doing to his psyche....it is hard...depressing, frustrating, guess I need to go the thesaurus for more words...but I don't feel like it...I am angry at Melanoma. I am angry at the fact that some people, no matter how much they try, just don't understand and don't get it-they take things for granted-they run to the tanning beds to look good-they don't wear sunscreen because they are too lazy-they count down the hours until they can dump their kids off on someone so they can have "me" time.......how I wish our lives were back to a time when Marcus and I couldn't wait to discuss what we were gonna eat for supper-now he stares at his food for hours-forcing himself to eat a few small bites of something, anything solid.

I'm sorry if the above sounded nutso-but at some points of the day-I guess I do feel like I'm losing my mind. But I keep pressing on. I keep begging God to guide me. To help me find new ways to encourage Marcus without being pushy-I don't want him to get mad and give up. But I want him to fight with all he has....and I know he is fighting-but the battle is so hard. And sometimes has him wondering-what if God's will is for him to come home...and not remain here with us? I ask God to please forgive me if I am being selfish, but there is no way I can fathom why God would need Marcus in heaven more than we need him here on earth with us....am I wrong to feel that way?

As I am typing this post now, Marcus is sitting at the kitchen table beside me, doing all he can to eat half of a junior burger from sonic-seriously, only half-that is it, that is all he can force himself to eat....but he is up, awake, eating, drinking water with his sonic ice he requested...and I am happy. I am refreshed from that and I will keep the Lord's words in my heart and continue to fight-and trust that God does know what is best and I accept His will to be done....even if I may not like it........

"I will not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD." Psalms 118:17

First off-I am attaching video/song by Chris McClarney that I love-check him out!
Second off-we are ready for Marcus to be healed so he can declare the works of the LORD!! Even if the path is not what we choose....

We got a call from MD Anderson a little while ago, letting us know that the first choice trial is still not open-and they are saying 2-3 weeks more.....second choice trial-3 weeks or more-third choice trial-who knows....and Marcus cannot go another 2 weeks like he has these past 2 weeks....SOOOO, Dr. Kim strongly suggests he begin the Carboplatin Paclitaxel combo ( I am not 100% sure on my spelling yet, but will correct once we get paperwork) starting Monday. It is course that goes like this: 1 day of both chemos at the same time, 3 weeks off; 1 day of chemos again, 3 weeks off-then scan again to see if it worked. These chemos are proven drugs that show tumor regression, so we are expecting results. In the meantime, they are going to try and keep him on the waiting list for the trials-hoping that if they do open finally, he will be done with this chemo and in a washout period..that part, we just have to hand over to God and let Him lead us-and we can't worry about it. At this point Marcus has to do something....every day is worse...and I can't keep watching him suffer. Good news is that side effects aren't too bad with these chemos and he tolerated last chemos well, so we are praying these will be a piece of cake!

So please pray for us as we make our way back to MD Anderson monday morning to get this chemo in his body and continue on this healing road. We know the healing has already happened, we are just patiently waiting :) Thank you all so much again for your continued prayers and support! We love you!!!!

"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance" 1 Corinthians 13:7 (NLT)

I am a people person and I truly love everyone.  I have always been fascinated with people's lives, their journey, their struggles, etc....and the bottom line is I want everyone reading this post to know I love them, to get their moles checked and I want them to go to Heaven when they die.  I don't think that is really asking too much right? ;) 

So, we are home, got back around 8:30 am and then we went to sleep :)  Last night was a rough one....after the CT scan around 4:30am the ER doc told Marcus that she was going to continue treating him like he has pneumonia, but even after the scan she wasn't really positively sure.. because of his remaining pleural effusion in the right lung and the tumor, the overall view was hindered....and basically we need to get him back on a treatment regimen to get the tumors back in check, so the fluid will go away and his pain will subside...we have scheduled appts mon and tues to meet with the clinical trial dept. about that latest trial-hoping to get that rolling by next week...and until then, he needs to finish his antibiotics and manage his pain with pain meds....as much as he can.....basically, cancer really sucks and there is no prettier way to say it-as the tumors grow, they push on organs and cause pain....so you just have to manage it until you can get a treatment that shrinks the tumors....which brings me back to getting your moles checked-PLEASE, PLEASE,  whoever you are, friend, family, stranger, please check your moles....if they look suspicious, please go to a dermatologist and let them check for you!!! Just that little step could save your life.

If I didn't love each and everyone of you, I wouldn't be wasting my time typing this-but God has really been speaking to me over the last few months....and I have promised God I will listen and be obedient-whatever He tells me to do, I will do it-no matter how psycho it may seem ;) Even if it means introducing myself to a complete stranger at McDonald's and giving her my contact info because I want to make sure she knows Jesus and goes to Heaven......I hope you are reading Smoki-because you are so very special to God and He obviously wanted us to know one another-I am just blessed He chose me to meet you-I love you girl and am always here for you!!

So, the next few days are filled with basketball games, church and trying to relax and enjoy my family-making sure we all realize how very precious life is and how we can't waste it on dumb, unimportant things....My love will never give up, never lose faith, is always hopeful and will endure-through EVERYTHING!!!

Love you all!!

Faith Triumphs in Trouble

Romans 5:1-5 "Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.  Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

Yesterday, while waiting to go into his brain CT, Marcus showed me the sweet word of God above.  Little did I know that it would have perfect meaning to us today! 

Today was result day to see if the chemo was working!  Well, here's the run down: All tumors in his lungs decreased in size except for one where his pleural effusion was...and honestly, since there is still some fluid they can't tell if it really grew, or if it wasn't measured properly before due to the effusion.  No new mets in his liver, spleen, kidneys, pancreas or brain!!! PRAISE GOD!!  They did however, see a small (less than 1cm) lesion in his T12 vertebrae, but that can't say for sure if it is actually a bone met or what-because it is so small.  WE AREN'T CONCERNED WITH THIS!  So, since the bone lesion is possible and it appears the right lung tumor may have grown, this puts him into a progression category-and since he is BRAF positive, Dr. Kim wants him to go directly to one of the new BRAF phase one(where you get the medicine-no placebo) clinical trials-EXACTLY WHERE MARCUS WANTED TO BE FROM THE START!!  These new BRAF trials are seeing awesome results-we currently have a friend we have met through a melanoma patient site that is in this exact trial and currently has NO ACTIVE DISEASE after only 2 months and she had tumors all over her body!!  GLORY TO GOD!  If this progression would not have occured, then he would not be eligible for this trial-so to some it may seem negative-but to us, it is a prayer answered!!  We prayed that God would guide the doctor to whatever treatment was necessary to heal Marcus, and that is exactly what is occuring!!  We are rejoicing in this tribulation, because we know it will produce perseverance-then character-then hope-and hope does not disappoint-because the LOVE of GOD has been poured in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us!!!!

Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and support-please do not stop praying!  Please stand in faith with me that this possible bone lesion is nothing and will go away and that the BRAF trial will send all this melanoma to INACTIVE MODE!!!