give me serenity

i have this prayer on my keychain, on my bible cover, on my cell phone wallpaper-no matter what font or pretty decorations/pictures are used to re-create it, it is a prayer i will always hold dear to my heart-yes it is simple, but so powerful. marcus recently went for some routine tests, and still has to have a brain mri before all the drs. can say he remains cancer free.....the wait, doubt, fear, consumes me on most days. i want him to be healthy-i believe that is what God wants too-but then i go to mpip.org and see so many stories of fellow melanoma warriors that felt the same way-but eventually lost the fight. today i am just asking God to give me serenity-to get through the wait-the doubt-the fear-and enjoy everyday we have-i know none of us is guaranteed a second on this earth-thank you all for your continued prayers for our family and for marcus....i love you all so very much!

Life & Death-Accepting Fate

the recent passing of Tara Swanson has stirred up emotions in me that i have not felt since marcus was first diagnosed. melanoma sucks! she was our age, she was a mother, a wife, a vibrant woman that had so much life to live....it just doesn't seem fair. it brings me back to when one of my bosses, darla estrello lost her young life to cancer. she had 3 beautiful children and i remember thinking-how can this happen? how can God take her away from her little girl? then i realized for whatever reasons unknown to me, God needed darla in heaven, more than she was needed on earth. that is a hard pill to swallow for lots of people-especially if you don't believe in God-but i do and know that i must accept the fate he has for me, marcus, our girls, our family, our lives. i must trust in Him-and i do-fully trust in God-but it still hurts sometimes, and it still scares the crap out of me.

marcus is so strong-when i discussed my fears, concerns with him after learning of tara passing-he told me, "you need to accept it now-if i am going to die, i am going to die-life will go on" how can he sit there and say that so matter of factly to me? is he trying to protect me? is he just that strong? the answer really is, he truly knows that God is in control. his faith has always been strong like a rock-through our struggles early on in our marriage-he always told me that God was the only reason we were still together. he knew that without God-we would have never made it. marcus has accepted his fate-he has peace knowing that God is in control-not melanoma-so today, i will accept fate too. i am making a decision to not dwell on the "what ifs" but to live life to the fullest......trusting in God.

pray it is really over!!

well, yesterday marcus made the decision not to resume his interferon shots. he has not been able to take them for 7 weeks now because his liver enzymes still have not returned to normal. they have come down-but not normal. he is going to have his primary care phys. run further tests to make sure all is well with the liver. after meeting with dr. lavalais, he decided and she supported him-to stop the treatment. as most of you know, the drs at md anderson already told him that there wasn't any scientific data that proved anything more than the first month of high dose actually did anything further to prevent it from coming back. SOOO, after much prayer and discussion, he is done. he says he is now ready to get his life back to normal...get back to doing things with the girls, me, getting our family back into a healthy mind frame.....out of the dreary cloud that melanoma brings over us all. and we are ready too! i told him months ago, that whenever he felt he had enough and wanted to stop-i was behind him 100%....so now he has decided. all we can do from here is pray, pray, pray melanoma stays away-and continue seeing his drs at md anderson every 4-6 months as recommended....and we will do all that!
with that being said, this may be the last post for awhile...you can always see the latest at my other blog (www.momentsbymindy.blogspot.com) but as far as updates with melanoma....this wife is taking a break :) i would be just fine if i never had to hear/say the word again!!!

we love you all and thank you again for your continued prayers and support!!!

liver enzymes-what makes you rise?

well, monday we went back to md anderson for marcus' regular 4-6 month ck up with dr. lee and to get labs/x-rays done....dr. lee said everything looked fine and they would call if anything came back abnormal in labs or x-rays-and told marcus to continue interferon when he could and come back in 4 months!! then he went to get labs done locally to see how is liver enzymes are doing..dr. lavalais will not let him resume his interferon shots until the levels are back to normal....so please tell me how in the world they could have gone up??? he hasn't had any interferon in almost 6 weeks?!?!?! well, they did, so, no shots this week. he will not want to start them back when it is time!! he is loving the way he feels and doesn't even want to think about how he will feel when he gets that first shot!!!

on another note, sela and i went to have our moles checked yesterday. we have been having the appt scheduled since summer and just now got in. everything looked fine, except for one mole on her back (the mole that prompted me to make the appt in the first place) is darker in the middle than on the edges, so dr. marchand wants me to monitor. but everything else looks fine on both of us. now i just need to make an appt for sloane. she only has a few moles on her little body, but there is one on her scalp, right above her ear that looks like marcus' did years ago-when i described it to dr. marchand, she said i needed to get her an appt. she said, she didn't want to worry me, but moles on the scalps of little ones are tough-she said they are either really bad, or nothing at all...so she wants to see her. i called her pediatrician to get the referral before i even got out of the parking lot. you just never know and we want to make sure we stay on top of this. marcus doesn't want his girls to have to go through what he did, so when i told him what the dr. said, he was glad i called to get the referral!

now, as if we don't already have enough on our minds to be concerned about, we are on standby, praying that marcus doesn't have to go on strike. the contract ends at midnight on saturday-so please say a prayer that no strike has to happen!!!!!!!!!! i know i will be saying tons of prayers! :) thank you all for your continued love, support, prayers, encouragement-we love you all!!

treatment limbo, life limbo..how low can you go???

well, this is now the 4th week that marcus' liver enzymes are still too high for his interferon treatement.....it had gone up to 5 times the normal (honestly i don't know what the numbers are, i am just going by what he told me dr. lavalais told him) anyways, she said she would not resume his regular treatments until he was completely back to normal-and every week he has to go in for the labs-and wait......dr. lavalais decided that he will decrease down to 9 million units per shot once he can resume..and i just feel like we are in limbo!! not only with treatment, but life too !! we are still waiting for all the insurance stuff to go through so we can fix the roof, fence etc, that was damaged during hurricane ike-then we will put the house on the market so we can finally begin the journey of building on our land in silsbee. we had hoped to have completed that last year, but melanoma interrupted. i am not complaining-just venting! i know that we are so blessed that marcus' melamona was caught at the stage it was, and that surgery removed it and that the interferon treatments will help prevent future recurrance....i just pray it all goes according to plan....cancer is so scary-it just does whatever it wants-and i don't like it!!!!!!!!!!

anyways, i am attaching a pic of marcus and i around christmas time at one of the many family gatherings we were blessed to be part of. we both have wonderful families and i truly thank God for them all. our girls are so blessed to have so many people that love them!! :)

14 years of marriage!!!

I cannot believe that marcus & i have been married 14 yrs today!!! we have been together 17 total years-and that in itself is amazing to me!!! we are getting way too old!!! anyways, i was making a list of memories over the last 14 years for him and i thought back to this picture-it was taken by his youngest brother cory, i think in 1995-we were going to some kind of banquet thingy and dressed up-don't you LOVE the strappy dress?!?! what was i thinking? anyways-we look so young here and i truly realize how fast time flies by!! i am so grateful for every second we have had together and am proud to be his wife!! marcus is an amazing person and is truly my hero. if it weren't for him, i don't know where i would be-or what kind of person i would be...he inspires me, motivates me, makes me keep an open mind and encourages me to push the limit-never accept things as they are-keep on keeping on!!! he is a great father and i couldn't have asked for a better man to live my life with and raise our precious girls with....he is my knight in shining armour-my soulmate!!!! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABY!! I LOVE YOU!!!

let it snow!!!!

the girls had a blast in the snow!!! we never get snow like this, so what a treat!!!

update on marcus: he had a rough start back on his interferon shots, after being off for a few weeks due to his infection-but he is going strong. he discussed with dr. lavalais his decision to see if she could cut the dose in half-or he might have to consider stopping the treatments all together...and of course, she didn't want that!! so he is now getting 18million units, 3 times/week and seems to be doing well. i just pray he can continue like this for the remainder of his treatment year.

hope everyone is having a great christmas season! we love you all!!

so last night we put up our tree. i have to admit that for some reason it has been hard to get into any kind of holiday spirit. but after watching the girls last night put the decorations on the tree and dance to christmas music, i am starting to feel the spirit :) i addressed all my christmas cards tonight and will start sending those out this week-i always love to do that too..so that helped with my spirit...BUT , Sela figured out the santa thing last night and asked me tons of questions-and when she asked me , " you aren't lying to me are you mom?", that is when i had to lay it all out....that is the main thing marcus never wanted to happen about the whole santa thing-he didn't want the kids to think we just flat out lied to them their whole lives about santa!!!! anyways, i explained to Sela how she still had to keep the secret for her little sis, and she seemed pretty cool with that-like she was "grown" and knew something her sis didn't :) kinda makes me sad that this point has come, but it was inevitable! my first baby is truly getting TOO big!!!

marcus has been doing much better since his surgery for his nasal celluitis. i am just praying when he goes back next week to discuss his shots, everything works out for the best. after not being on his shots for a few weeks, it will be hard for him to go back-especially with christmas coming around, i know he is not gonna want to feel sick....so i will just pray some more and i know God will take care of everything! :)

well, i love you all and hope you are getting into the spirit of the season! until next time....

he keeps fighting!!

well, this past week has been a roller coaster! as you know, while taking the interferon shots, marcus' immune system really takes a beating-and it is very hard for his body to fight even the smallest infection. well, a small pimple at the base of his nostril got bad-it turned into staph-then the dr. called it nasal cellulitis....and it made his upper lip swell twice its normal size!!! he was in horrible pain and was really struggling-the dr told him that if he did not get rid of the infection that it could erode the cartilage between the nostrils and his nose could collapse!!! you can imagine marcus' surprise and concern at that point!! well they scheduled surgery to cut it open and clean all the infection out-get a culture, etc....and that all happened on wed. he is much better now-he went to get the packing taken out yesterday and has to go back tues to make sure it is healing well-but things are much better now. in the process, he has not been able to take any interferon shots-and he is loving the way he feels without them!! he says when he goes back next week he will discuss with dr. lavalais the possibility of reducing the dosage so it doesn't knock his immune system down so much....i just pray that whatever happens, the melanoma NEVER returns.....

marcus has been so strong through all of this....he is a true warrior! thank you all for your continued prayers, support, encouragement, etc. we love you all and know we could not do any of this without you.

yes, i guess i am a soccer mom!

soccer season is in full force around here and i as i look at this pic with sela dribbling the ball toward the goal, with her teammate near by, i realize how much i love to watch her play!! her knee started giving her trouble again early this season, but so far, she has been denying any pain and has been loving soccer again!! her team is undefeated and they are all so cute!!! i think sloane will play too when she is old enough-she loves to watch her big sis!!! anyways, no real point to this post-just to gush about how proud i am of our daughter :) hope all is well with everyone!! we love you all!!

old? i used to say 30 was really, really old :)

well the past few weeks have really made me feel old!! sela turned 8 and celebrated her party-the pic attached is of sloane, me and sela at extreme bounce-sloane did not wanna stop bouncing to pose :) anyways, marcus also celebrated a b-day!! he turned 34!!! i tease him about getting old :) i am not far behind him though!!

life has been going well-marcus is back to work. still taking his interferon shots on mon, wed & fri. he has been doing really well with them. tuesdays are rough though-like today-he stayed home from work-he was already feeling bad yesterday before his shot, and then afterwards, he was really bad. he had the chills and fever again-he woke up with fever this morning!! he is resting now, so hopefully he will feel better this afternoon. it just seems after he has the weekend break from the shots, once he gets it monday, his body has to adjust again. i am so proud of him though-he never complains!! when i tell him i am sorry he feels so bad, he just says, "i'll be alright". i know he just doesn't want to burden me.

the girls and i went to church again on sunday-the Lord is really pushing me these days and i am so grateful. my heart is so full of love, hope, promise-that can only come from one place-thank you Lord!! i have this deep desire to be the best wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, etc..that i can be. i want to share all the love i have inside with others and show them that God can change you-for the best! you just have to let Him in!! stop fighting it-stop letting the devil make excuses for you (my sins are too horrible, i am a loser, i am not worthy) STOP IT!!! you have to make the decision to STOP letting the devil win your heart-let Jesus in friends-He will take you places you never even dreamed you could go!!! ok, sorry for the preaching, but i just felt like someone out there needs this :)

well, i gotta go do some dishes before i meet aunt kel for lunch!! speaking of old ;) just kiddin aunt kel!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

gettin back to normal-whatever that is :)

well, life is finally starting to appear normal again-i guess you can say normal-i have never really known what that really is :) thank the Lord we only had minimal damage after Ike-we all made it home safely-but just got internet and cable back late saturday night!! i have been waiting so long to get back on the computer!!!

sela had her 8th birthday party on saturday and it was a hit! the kids had a blast-i will post some pictures later.

marcus is back to work and still getting his interferon shots on monday, wednesday and friday. he had to miss some while we evacuated for the storm, but he resumed them quickly. some days are better for him than others. but he is hangin on. he is SO strong. i love and admire him SOOO much. i am very proud to be his wife and the mother of his children. God made a very special man when He made marcus.

sloane started mother's day out back up-she only got to go one day before Ike, so it was like she was starting on the first day!! it was rough and all the kiddos seemed to be upset-but she goes again tomorrow and i am praying it is better!! hopefully since it is clifford the big red dog day, she will be REALLY excited about it ;)

we went to church again yesterday and i was so glad we did. i always feel so much better after church-the Lord is really working on me-and i am obeying!!! my heart is wide OPEN!!!

well, gotta run-just wanted to post to let everyone know we are safe, happy and working on healthy!!! love you all and pray you are all doing well!!!

i'm a big girl now!

well. tues was sloane's first day of mother's day out! from the pictures you would think she did great-but she freaked when i left her!! her teacher says that she did better after she finally stopped crying-she even consoled another little boy while he was crying!! tomorrow she has her second day, so here's hoping she does better!! the little girl i keep also attends the same program, but she is in another class. the teachers told me that sloane found her on the playground and was talking to her and brought her elmo back to her :) how sweet! guess she was glad to see a familiar face! i am so excited about both girls having this opportunity to be with other kids and other adults-they need structure and discipline from someone other than just their moms and dads :) at least that is what i keep telling myself!

marcus has been doing ok on his interferon shots. they still make him extremely tired and sick-but he is holding on. he had a visit to md anderson on monday and dr. lee told him that at this point he has a 75% chance of remaining cancer free-(PRAISE GOD) but if he finishes the year long treatment of interferon his chances will improve to 83%-so he has decided he will take the shots as long as he can-but he HAS to go back to work-so it will all revolve around how he handles the shots while working. no matter what, i am behind him 100% and know that God will take care of him, so i feel good about it-today anyways :)

dilemma of the day is IKE-i can't wait until hurricane season is OVER!!!!!!!!!!!! one of my sisters is getting married on sat-right after IKE is supposed to make landfall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am freakin out about getting stuck in evacuation traffic and not being able to make it-i am praying hard tonight that either it gets postponed, or something major happens with IKE's track-Lord help us!!

give it up, get over it, go through it, get it done!

we went to church today! i was so happy that we finally made it! we have been wanting to get back to church, but there always seems to be some excuse the devil uses to not let us get there! anyways, the pastor preached about "getting to the gold"-the place God wants us to be-and before we can get there we have to do the things above-"give it up, get over it, go through it and then get it done!!" we gotta give up our own desires, get over the things that hold us back, go through the tough times and then get whatever God has for us to do, DONE! this really spoke to me-every day it seems i struggle with things that fall into these categories: either giving up my own fears, or getting over past hurts or mistakes i made..and lately we are all going through tough times-having to watch someone you love so much, suffer-just so he can be alive for you and your kids-that is tough. which leads me to getting it done!!! i just can't wait to see the awesome things God has in store for us-the things He wants us to accomplish as a family and as individuals-i am READY! never in my life have i been this ready-my heart is wide open and i pray that God will use me to do everything i am here on earth to do!!!!

update on marcus: he took his second shot of interferon on friday and he had better results. he took his pre-meds (zofran and tylenol) and didn't have such bad side effects this time. he even felt well enough that we took the girls to the houston zoo on saturday! i had been wanting to do something special with them-and he suggested it. we surprised them and wouldn't tell them where we were going-they were so excited!! it was a great day!!

never should have left home!!

well, we evacuated, because marcus' grandmother was nervous about the storm. if it wouldn't have been for her, we would have stayed. these pictures are after we finally made it to our destination about 5am on sunday morning. i had a wedding scheduled, so we didn't leave until about midnight! sloane was still going strong, but sela and her pillowcase with her and heagan on it were out like a light!! we came home monday and have been trying to get back on schedule ever since! sela didn't go to sleep until about 2am this morning, so i hope she makes it through the first day back to school today!

marcus got his first shot of interferon at 4pm yesterday. he tried to see how he would react without taking any pre-meds-well about 7pm he started getting the chills, shakes, fever-so i gave him tylenol. he was still fighting a 101.4 fever at 10pm. he gets his next shot friday, so hopefully he will pre-med and not feel so bad. we go back to md anderson on monday, and he is going to talk to dr. lee about the shots-whether or not he really needs to continue them or not. i hate to see him suffer-he has suffered so much already! it is so hard to see him start the shots after he has been interferon free for over a week and doing so well. it just feels like we are going backwards instead of forward. melanoma sucks!

gustav, please go away!!

i DO NOT want gustav to come to texas!!!!! i do not want to have to evacuate while marcus is still having to deal with scheduling interferon shots!!! i am praying that gustav will just GO AWAY!!!!!!

marcus has had this week off from treatments and it has been WONDERFUL!!!!!! he is back to his old self and last night he even wanted to cook gumbo-which he has been wanting to do for weeks, but either hasn't felt like it, or just couldn't stomach it! well, he finally decided to do it last night and i killed myself on it!! it was SOOOO good! he put crabmeat, shrimp, sausage, chicken and crawfish in it!!! i made the potato salad-but it wasn't nearly as good as his gumbo!! :) we invited our good friends marlon & carrie over to eat and marcus' youngest brother cory & his wife amy came with their kiddos!! everyone seemed to enjoy the meal and it was good to have everyone over. it has been a long time since marcus felt like having that much company over and i really think he was happy to see everyone-and to see that they liked his gumbo so much :)

today he went in for his labwork. he is scheduled to start his shots on wednesday, since monday is the labor day holiday. i guess all that will depend on what the heck gustav decides to do-and like i said earlier in the post, I JUST WANT GUSTAV TO GO AWAY!!!

all of my prayer warriors that read this post-please keep 2 people in your prayers-a young man that was a few years younger than me in high school recently discovered he has testicular cancer-and a co-worker of my aunt's had surgery to remove a lump from breast cancer. it just amazes me how it seems everyday i hear of another person being diagnosed with some form of cancer and it saddens me. we have to keep our faith strong-so please help me keep these 2 in all of our prayers. i have seen first hand how your prayers have worked for marcus, and i want the same for these 2. thank you all-i love you all!

he made it through the high dose!!!!

it is with great happiness i post that marcus has officially made it through the high dose interferon!!!!!!!!!!!! he took his last iv treatment today (he had to go through the weekend since his blood count delayed him and made him start on wednesday) and he is SOOOOOO glad! i just gave him some tylenol cause he started to have some fever and aches-but hopefully he will be better by this evening. he will have a week off-and then he will start the shots 3 days a week. then we go back to MD Anderson on sept 8 to see dr. lee. if all goes well he will keep taking shots as planned-but if they make him too tired or sick for work, then he says he will stop because he has to work.

please pray that whatever happens-whether he makes it 11 months with shots or not-that the melanoma never, never, never comes back!!! and God forbid it does, i pray that a cure has been found by then.

the next few weeks will be crazy, with school & soccer starting-so i don't know how much posting will be going on-but thank you all who check on us through the blog. we love you all!!!!

WBC count UP-last week of high dose has begun!!

well, thank God, marcus' count was up yesterday-about 4000-which is about normal-for everyone-so he was able to start the interferon yesterday!! he will have to continue through the weekend to finish, but he WILL finish the high dose and that is what his goal was from the start!!!! you don't know how happy i was when i heard this!

so after this he will start the shots that he has to do on mon, wed and fri-that is supposed to last for 11 months-but he says he will just have to see how they are-if he can do the shots and work, great-but if they make him sick like the high dose, then he will have to stop because he has to work. on one hand, i understand and accept this fact, but on the other hand, it still worries me. i DO NOT want the mean 'ol Melanoma to come back AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!! but like marcus reminds me, we are all gonna die one day-so i can't worry about it. i am just giving my worries to God and asking that he helps me find peace with whatever happens.

well, sela will start school next week and sloane will start mother's day out in sept. things are about to start getting crazy again! but i welcome it! i love when school starts-then sela starts soccer, basketball, softball-i LOVE IT!! can't wait until sloane is old enough to play sports too!!

thank you all for your continued support and prayers-we would be lost without you!! next time i post, plan to hear that marcus is done with high dose and shots are going great :) until then......

WBC count still too low!!

well, interferon wins again on this battle marcus faces! just to recap-they draw labs every friday to make sure his levels are ok for his treatments the following week. well, friday they drew his blood and began his interferon. lab results came back just as he was finishing up his treatment-it was 650-and the nurse said if they had known it was that low before hand, he would not have rec'd his treatment on friday! so she said the treatment he got friday knocked his count even lower-NOT GOOD!

SO, yesterday he had to get labs drawn again to see where his count was, before they would give any treatment. unfortuantely, his count was only 700-still too low-has to be over 1000 before they will give interferon! so, he has to go back on wednesday to check again-if count is up he can finish his last week of high dose interferon!!! Dr. Lavalais also said they will adjust dose to lower amount this last week since his WBC count is being hit so hard. if he is able to resume treatment on wednesday, he will have to go through the weekend to finish-BUMMER-weekends are usually rest days for him!!!

no worries though-he is feeling much better and is optimistic that the next stage (shots 3/weeek) will be better. i have to say, i am so proud of him-he has been so strong and such a good patient :) he has hardly complained at all-and i have seen first hand how rough it has been for him. i can't say that i would have been as good as a patient as he has been-but i pray i could have been. i have hated to see him go through all this-but i have truly enjoyed taking care of him. if you know marcus, he is not one that usually gets taken care of-he is the one that takes care of us!!!! so although the circumstances are not ideal-it has been good for us-we have really been drawn closer than ever through these rough times-and we are determined to fight this battle together-melanoma will not take over!!!!!

well, i will post again after i find out about labs on wednesday.

low white blood cell count

well today marks the end of week 3- but we can't celebrate yet! Today's labs showed a drop in his white blood cell count-it was 650-so Monday morning he has to do more labs to see if the count has increased. If not-he can't get treatment!!! A small detail that I know God will take care of :) until the WBC count increases he can't be around sick kids or crowds. I pray he stays well and gets through this without having to battle something else-he has been through so much.

Right now he is taking part in a sleep study. Last week he was having trouble breathing while sleeping, so Dr. Lavalais ordered the study to check everything out. Thank goodness for his iphone and wi-fi :) I gotta be quiet in my rollaway bed so the tech can monitor his sleep patterns-very interesting stuff!

Well, I guess I will try to get some rest too. Hope to have great news to blog next week!