Hard day, but forever thankful

Disclaimer: this post will probably be hard to follow and not be in any real order-please forgive me, but my thoughts are coming out randomly.

Today has been a very rough day for me. I had a little break down this morning-I told Marcus I was ready for him to come back to me. I need him to hold me, kiss me, hug me, talk to me like he used to...I miss him so much. Yes he is still here, but with the pain meds, it's like he is not him. I am so ready for our life to be back to normal. I am ready for us to be a family again. I am ready for Melanoma to leave and never come back again. In the middle of his own fight, he looks at me and tells me "I'm coming back baby, I'm trying, I'm coming back!" and then he prays to God to give me peace. He is praying for my peace. Can you even wrap your minds around that? It is hard for me to wrap mine around it-but I thank God for every second I have with Marcus and although this season is the hardest we have ever weathered....I know we will be stronger because of it.

Yesterday was a pretty great day for Marcus-he ate 2 ribs and some carrot souffle from Willy Ray's! A milestone as far as food goes. And I was so thankful. Tonight he actually ate 2 pieces of a steak finger and he even dipped it in cream gravy :) Again, I was thankful.

Sela wanted to have a day for us (just the 2 of us) to get mani/pedis and I told her we would do it during spring break-but Marcus was admitted to hospital for her entire spring break, so we never did it. Well, today, I told her we would and we did! It was great to get away, just the two of us and take our minds off of "cancer". Thank God for Marcus' mom being able to stay with him-I don't know what I would do without her.  THANK YOU DEBBIE! I LOVE YOU! 

Sela is still is having a hard time with all of this, but being able to talk to teachers/counselors is helping. I just keep praying Marcus will be well soon, so we can look back and say, "So glad that is behind us."

Last week, the day Marcus was released from the hospital, a friend from work, Kevin Sanderson, came by the hospital with a collection gathered from some of his co-workers. The time this man took out of his life to come by and visit Marcus and bring an envelope of hard earned money from others-was so greatly appreciated. And every person that donated and signed the envelope-THANK YOU. I am attaching a picture I took of the envelope, because I didn't want to misspell anyone's name...but you know who you are-Marcus thanks you, I thank you and our girls thank you for your kindness.

Wednesday night after the regular church service at Golden Triangle Church on the Rock, family and friends will gather (around 8:15-8:30pm) to pray for Marcus. I will be there with the girls, but at this point, I don't think Marcus will make it. His mom has offered to stay with him so I can go and I am so thankful-it has been weeks now since I was able to attend church-and I need to so badly. Anyone is welcome to join in prayer....He needs all he can get before he gets chemo on Thursday.

Thank you all for your continued support, encouragement, prayers, emails, text messages, etc....we love all of you and although our road is rough right now, we believe it is all to bring souls to Jesus.....and the more souls we bring to Jesus, the happier we will be...so if that means we have to endure pain, suffering, etc. longer, then we will-and we will Praise God every second.  It doesn't mean we won't have days where we feel like giving up, because we will, we are only human...but I will promise you this.....as long as we have air in our lungs to speak and ask God to give us strength and guide us-we will. 

"I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

Everyday is a blessing. God is in control. End of discussion.

The past few days have been very emotional for our family and honestly the hardest times in our lives thus far. When Marcus was first diagnosed in 2008 we researched online everything we could about Melanoma to prepare ourselves. We are not stupid-we know the stats-we know what can happen-cancer is cancer and we have both lost loved ones to some form of it, so we know full well what "could" happen. However, after Marcus was moved to Stage IV in August, we decided we would no longer search and read about the stats, etc. We decided, together, that we would put 110% of our trust in God and let Him handle this disease. Yes, we would fight, but we would not worry about what CT scans look like, or what doctors say we should expect, or even what their prognosis may be. We decided that the maker of Heaven and Earth, Our Lord God Almighty, would be the only one that would have the final word-and we will never stray from that. That decision may be hard for some of our family and friends to grasp-either because they may feel we aren't being realistic, or they think we are naive, I don't know-and honestly I don't care..I love all of you, but as far as me, Marcus and our girls, we will not anticipate Melanoma winning this war. We will not dwell on the "what ifs". We will live every day to the fullest and be thankful for every blessing we get on each day. End of discussion.

Today has been one of Marcus' best days in a month. His mom came to stay with him this morning while I went to Sela's last basketball game (she scored!). I helped him get to the kitchen table this morning around 7am, gave him his morning pain meds and a breathing treatment and left the info about the next time he may want/need more medicine. However, much to my surprise, when I returned from the game, his mom told me that they had been praying all morning and he hadn't needed any medicine until right before I arrived home! Which was a blessing, because usually he has to get more meds every 2 hrs, but it had been about 4 hrs and he was still holding on! Praise God! He has been talking and visiting some this afternoon-not his normal 100%, but WAY better than he did at the hospital or the weeks prior to admission. SO, we are so grateful to God for his blessings-and we will take every blessing he sends, small or large, and glorify His name-forever.

The bottom line is, cancer or no cancer, NONE of us is guaranteed one second...no matter how much we think we have control of our lives, we DON'T....I will trust God always-until He speaks the final word.

Melanoma we command you to leave-in Jesus' name!!!!!

We are at MD Anderson-waiting to get admitted. Marcus continued to struggle with shortness of breath and decided yesterday he wanted to come back to hospital. He truly felt like it was fluid again, but xray wasn't clear and he could not lay flat on his back to do the CT, so pulmonary used the ultrasound. And after review of that and compared to CT from 3-9-10, doctors believe it is mostly tumor and any fluid they could reach would not be benificial. So next step-they decided to call in a thoracic surgeon to see if he may have another option to give him relief. As it is now, the tumor in right lung is pressing against his heart and making him feel like he can't breathe. So as of right now, we don't know anything positive yet, but we will continue to pray God grants some relief and guides the doctors to the best plan to get him feeling better. And we command Melanoma to leave his body, in Jesus' name-we have no more patience or time for Melanoma anymore !!!!!

Please keep Sela in your prayers too...

We have 2 beautiful, wonderful, caring, sweet girls. Sela is 9 and Sloane is 4. Both have seen and understand as best they can what is going on with their daddy. Of course, Sloane is so small, she just asks questions, you answer and she goes on about her business..like, "Why does daddy have that walker?", reply-"to help him walk better baby", Sloane replies, "Oh" and she is done-back to playing....Sela on the other hand is having a rougher time...she knows what could happen and she fears more than anything the death of her daddy. I mean, really, can you blame her? Lately I have noticed she seems to anger quickly and I pray that she can find some peace about all of this. Today, while at the movies with one of her second cousins, the attached preview came across the screen....our cousin told us once she heard the word "Melanoma" she quickly turned to Sela to see her reaction....she said Sela just looked at her like she may cry....so she talked to her a bit and after the movie started, Sela was fine....I guess the whole point to this post, is please, please, please pray for Sela...I know I have asked for prayers for Marcus, me and our entire family, but at this moment, Marcus is doing better and better everyday-so those prayers are working...what I would like now is complete prayer for my sweet baby girl...so she can have peace about his whole crazy journey she is having to experience right now....so I am attaching the video, so we can all experience what Sela did today....

Good day

Today has been a good day-the best since we came home. Last night Marcus and I spent the night at a local hotel because he thought soaking in a big jacuzzi tub may help him feel better. So yesterday after his routine labs, we checked in and he relaxed for a few hours. When I asked him if he felt better, he kind of shook his head side to side, as if to say so-so....all I know is that he rested well last night and only woke up twice instead of every 2 hours like the past few nights and ate a few pieces of meat off the top of a slice of pizza :) This morning when we came home after checking out, he sat up at the table, actually talked some to his mom and I (he hasn't been talking much, he signs or writes things down on paper) and even drank a carnation instant breakfast shake and took his meds with no complaints!! I would say that just those events make today a good day-maybe even a GREAT day considering how this past week has gone!
The doctors office did call this afternoon though to let us know that his White Blood Count is really low-expected after chemo-but reminded us to keep him away from groups of people and especially no one that is sick-basically keep him home if possible-and take labs again on Monday instead of waiting until next Thursday....so please pray for him that his counts can come back up so he doesn't have to battle another neutropenic fever like he did in Dec.
He is still very swollen, but it has only been 2 days since he started the Lasix, so I am praying it will start working soon, without dehydrating him. His right lung is almost completely collapsed due to the tumor and fluid, so breathing has been very difficult-he pretty much has to stay on oxygen 24/7, and uses a walker to walk. Please pray the chemo starts shrinking those darn tumors, so he can start breathing better and walking again freely! He is battling so many things right now and only God can truly carry him out of this....and after all the prayers, texts, emails, etc of support we received yesterday, it is totally obvious to me that God is working and hears our prayers. My strength needed a boost-I was really crumbling fast-seeing him suffer like he has been this week has been extremely difficult for me-way harder than I ever imagined it could be-and there were moments when I thought emotionally that I couldn't take it another day.....but God is so good and He stepped in and sent me the support, encouragement and strength I needed to press on....and when I awoke this morning, I knew it would be a good day :) THANK YOU GOD!!!!
So thank you all our faithful prayer warriors-your prayers are working and believe me they are GRATEFULLY appreciated. We love you all so much and don't know where we would be without each and every one of you-you each touch our lives in a unique way-so THANK YOU!!!

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you." John 15:7

So what if what I ask for is not God's will to give to me?? I know I shouldn't question anything, only trust...but this past week has been very difficult....and I am trying to be strong, trying to get Marcus to eat, walk around, engage....etc....but it is so hard. Especially when he just doesn't want to-he's tired from the pain meds, and he can't breathe-the tumor in his right lung basically has left no space and he is pretty much only working off the left lung...he still is retaining fluid....doctors say he has to eat protein and walk around for the fluid to eventually leave...but he doesn't feel hungry because he is so bloated from fluid. He doesn't want to walk because it is hard to breathe-even with his oxygen-so we are stuck....I keep pressing him to eat, walk, try-but you have to imagine how hard it must be for a man that has never needed help with anything, now needing help with pretty much everything....imagine what just that thought alone is doing to his psyche....it is hard...depressing, frustrating, guess I need to go the thesaurus for more words...but I don't feel like it...I am angry at Melanoma. I am angry at the fact that some people, no matter how much they try, just don't understand and don't get it-they take things for granted-they run to the tanning beds to look good-they don't wear sunscreen because they are too lazy-they count down the hours until they can dump their kids off on someone so they can have "me" time.......how I wish our lives were back to a time when Marcus and I couldn't wait to discuss what we were gonna eat for supper-now he stares at his food for hours-forcing himself to eat a few small bites of something, anything solid.

I'm sorry if the above sounded nutso-but at some points of the day-I guess I do feel like I'm losing my mind. But I keep pressing on. I keep begging God to guide me. To help me find new ways to encourage Marcus without being pushy-I don't want him to get mad and give up. But I want him to fight with all he has....and I know he is fighting-but the battle is so hard. And sometimes has him wondering-what if God's will is for him to come home...and not remain here with us? I ask God to please forgive me if I am being selfish, but there is no way I can fathom why God would need Marcus in heaven more than we need him here on earth with us....am I wrong to feel that way?

As I am typing this post now, Marcus is sitting at the kitchen table beside me, doing all he can to eat half of a junior burger from sonic-seriously, only half-that is it, that is all he can force himself to eat....but he is up, awake, eating, drinking water with his sonic ice he requested...and I am happy. I am refreshed from that and I will keep the Lord's words in my heart and continue to fight-and trust that God does know what is best and I accept His will to be done....even if I may not like it........

Cry out to Jesus

Marcus is having a renal ultrasound as I type. Dr. came in around 1:30pm and told him that she is concerned that his creatinine levels are increasing again and he still is very swollen in his legs/feet....the lasix did not get rid of as much fluid as she hoped and she is stumped really....SOOO, renal ultrasound to make sure kidneys are ok, then she totally discontinued neurontin(which they replaced the lyrica with) because she said that can also cause fluid retention. She also switched his antibiotic to an oral one, since the IV antibiotic has salt in it and he was getting it 4 times a day-also lowered his IV fluid intake because he is just not releasing enough fluid-and he keeps getting more pumped into him. He is more swollen now in his legs/feet than he was when he did the IL-2, which is amazing to me...so not going home tomorrow-maybe monday-all depends on this swelling.

Dr. said she felt like it was a miracle his creatinine levels went down overnight wednesday-and then he was able to get chemo-I am in agreement with that! Although we are unhappy levels are going back up and I am concerned his poor kidneys are just taking beating after beating...I will continue to "Cry out to Jesus" because He is listening......I know He is :)

Thank you all again for your continued prayers and support. We are truly blessed with amazing family and friends.

update

Dr. says Marcus may be released sunday or monday-not exactly what he wanted to hear-but he knows he has to get rid of the fluid-his legs and feet are very swollen-seems the lyrica dose that was increased is working a number on his swelling-so they gave him lasix, which should start working fast and then still waiting for sputum specimens to grow to find out exactly what kind of bacteria infection they are dealing with-meantime, more antibiotics-and trying to slow down on pain meds so he is not so messed up and confused! at this point no side effects from chemo-praise God!! so things are slowly moving in the right direction-we just keep believing and trusting in God!!!! patiently waiting :)

Healing Hand of God

Well, yesterday I went home to see our girls, go to the movies with them and out to eat, then spent the night with them at my mom's house-I needed to see them so bad. Marcus' parents stayed with him and after a rough night, finally some good news!!! Before returning to Houston this afternoon, I called my mother-in-law to see what the dr. said...and according to his labs, his kidney levels were back to normal and he would be starting chemo today!!! PRAISE GOD!! So around 6pm they began his first part of the chemo, which will run 3 hours, then the second part will go 30 mins, so probably around midnight he will be done and hopefully resting as good as he is now. They have been really having trouble managing his pain level, but I think they have it pretty much controlled now and I will just continue to pray things keep working after we go home. The main thing is getting the tumors shrinking and then the fluid and pain should resolve....so we need extra prayers please ;)

As I was driving back, I had Jeremy Camp turned up loud and the song, "Healing Hand of God" came on. As you probably know from my prior posts, I am a huge Jeremy Camp fan and have never found a song that I didn't like by him....but this song in particular, really spoke to me today. So I was even more excited when I found the devotional video I have attached....it was like God had Jeremy create this video for Marcus and I to help us keep our heads up and faith strong. Please watch/listen to it and I pray it speaks to you in your life as well.

Many prayers have been answered today and I am so thankful-you just don't know!!! I told the girls before I left that daddy was getting chemo today and that meant one day closer to him coming home!!! I don't know who was more excited-me or them ;) So as it looks now, if things go as planned, we may be home by saturday. They want to get more antibiotics into his system because he still has some bacterial infection in his lung, but the final tests are not completed yet to know exactly what it is (pneumonia or something else) but they want to keep it in check with the antibiotics-which, is what Marcus told Dr. Kim on monday before he was admitted-he told them he felt like he still had some infection in his lung and needed more antibiotics-but they had to get cultures of the sputum to see what they were dealing with...ANYWAYS-if you ask Marcus, he would probably tell you that he should be a doctor-and after all he is going through, he probably is right!!!!

So my mom-in-law and dad-in-law went home and I am sitting here waiting to see if Marcus needs me...his mom and dad pampered him like a king while I was gone-I hope he doesn't wake up asking me to go get them ;) Just Kidding!! They know that I will take care of their son-always! I really feel better today than I did yesterday and am so grateful for them staying with him while I saw the girls. I needed to hug and kiss them and just be with them-just their smell makes me happy-I know that sounds nuts, but you moms out there will understand...something about the scent of your babies-it just makes a momma happy!! Kinda makes me sound like a bear or something ;) Oh well, I needed to be with them and now I am back at my job as Nurse/Wife and will do everything I can to get Marcus well! So keep sending prayers PLEASE!! They are truly being answered everyday and I have seen the healing hand of God-today, more than ever! THANK YOU LORD!!!

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

I will try not to worry for I have complete trust and faith in my God-but sometimes it's very hard not to worry. No chemo for Marcus today-more tests-CT of chest, xray of chest, ultrasound of left leg, more blood drawn, breathing treatments-good thing he has been hooked up to the hydromorphone pump or else I just don't know how much more he could take !! Pain management team has now removed him from pump to begin him on new track of meds that we can continue at home once he's released-still don't have that date yet. At the moment they are concerned with his high creatinine and uric acid levels-his low urine output makes sense with those elevated levels-and they are trying to figure out next steps to get those levels back where they need to be before chemo can even be considered....so we wait.

There is truly nothing else I can say right now-I just ask for continued prayers for Marcus-he is fighting so hard-but he is tired-I am tired-tired of having our lives revolve around Melanoma-we will continue to give all our glory to God and keep praying for a complete healing. I will not worry about tomorrow, but I will cherish today!

"I will not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD." Psalms 118:17

First off-I am attaching video/song by Chris McClarney that I love-check him out!
Second off-we are ready for Marcus to be healed so he can declare the works of the LORD!! Even if the path is not what we choose....

We got a call from MD Anderson a little while ago, letting us know that the first choice trial is still not open-and they are saying 2-3 weeks more.....second choice trial-3 weeks or more-third choice trial-who knows....and Marcus cannot go another 2 weeks like he has these past 2 weeks....SOOOO, Dr. Kim strongly suggests he begin the Carboplatin Paclitaxel combo ( I am not 100% sure on my spelling yet, but will correct once we get paperwork) starting Monday. It is course that goes like this: 1 day of both chemos at the same time, 3 weeks off; 1 day of chemos again, 3 weeks off-then scan again to see if it worked. These chemos are proven drugs that show tumor regression, so we are expecting results. In the meantime, they are going to try and keep him on the waiting list for the trials-hoping that if they do open finally, he will be done with this chemo and in a washout period..that part, we just have to hand over to God and let Him lead us-and we can't worry about it. At this point Marcus has to do something....every day is worse...and I can't keep watching him suffer. Good news is that side effects aren't too bad with these chemos and he tolerated last chemos well, so we are praying these will be a piece of cake!

So please pray for us as we make our way back to MD Anderson monday morning to get this chemo in his body and continue on this healing road. We know the healing has already happened, we are just patiently waiting :) Thank you all so much again for your continued prayers and support! We love you!!!!

"Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; Save me and I shall be saved, For YOU are my praise." Jeremiah 17:14

Today has been another rough one for my sweet husband.  He says it feels like there is a knife in his back/shoulder!!  I can only imagine the pain he is in...it hurts me to the core because there is nothing I can do, except pray and help him....and I keep doing those things-constantly-but it still hurts me.  But my eyes are fixed on Jesus, because I know the healing He has for Marcus is just around the corner :)

We went to MD Anderson today to meet with Dr. Kim for follow-up after the ER visit Thursday night.  According to discharge papers, diagnosis was Progression of pulmonary metastasis and loculated effusion.  Basically, growth of tumors in right lung and trapped fluid in lung-in between tumor and lung tissue.  Solution?  Get back on treatment of some sort, get the tumors shrinking, then fluid will be absorbed and pain will cease...So, back to treatment options-first choice clinical trial GSK 2118436 (even though at clinicaltrials.gov it says it is recruiting, at the moment the trial is full, but hoping to open about 20 new spots) anyways, this has been the first choice trial all along, but Dr. Kim just didn't want Marcus to go too long without treatment, because of what is happening now-progression, pain, problems....but, he says, if Marcus feels up to it, he would like to see him wait at least another week to see if the company really does open those new spots-they told MD Anderson last week that they would in 2 weeks...so next week should be  it! They told us he is # 6 on MD Anderson's list for this trial once the spots are opened, so we just pray he will make the cut!!! There is also a combo trial of GSK 2118436 and GSK 1120212 (BRAF and MEK) that is not recruiting yet, but would also be another option if it opened up before the other spot does....and there is always the trial I posted about last time, a gamma secretase inhibitor trial-so, 3 trials so far that could hopefully open up for him....and then last back up plan is another combo of chemos-Carbo something and Plaxi something, I haven't researched those yet, but, Dr. Kim says he has a patient that has done that combo and is 2 years stable disease, so that chemo for sure sounds good to try if needed! In case you are wondering why we don't just do chemo until trials open-the catch with trials is you have to be off a chemo or other treatment for usually 4-6 weeks before you can start trial-so if Marcus were to do some chemo now, then the trial opened next week, he would be excluded-and may not get a chance to get back in-so, at this point, the waiting, is pretty much his best choice-so we wait-patiently-because God is in control.
SOOO, if you are still reading and I haven't lost you in all this, please keep praying for Marcus.  He has new pain meds to try and see if these work better so he can at least get some rest...he maybe slept 3 hrs last nite-just can't get comfortable-pain overcomes him, then shortness of breath-because he is basically only working with left lung...the right lung is so full of fluid and tumor, they told him only a small portion of it was actually doing anything-THANK GOD his left lung is still stable and working fine!!  The devil keeps trying to bring us down, making us all discouraged, but we just keep fighting!  I found several Healing scriptures and printed out some for the girl's bathroom and some for ours....I taped them to our mirrors so every time we looked in the mirror we would have those scriptures ready to pray!!  And believe me when I tell you, having the word of GOD in front of you, to see, to speak, to pray-truly makes you feel FULL of power, strength and mighty praise!!!  We would not be making it through each day if it weren't for the grace of God-So I give Him glory-ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!!!

"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance" 1 Corinthians 13:7 (NLT)

I am a people person and I truly love everyone.  I have always been fascinated with people's lives, their journey, their struggles, etc....and the bottom line is I want everyone reading this post to know I love them, to get their moles checked and I want them to go to Heaven when they die.  I don't think that is really asking too much right? ;) 

So, we are home, got back around 8:30 am and then we went to sleep :)  Last night was a rough one....after the CT scan around 4:30am the ER doc told Marcus that she was going to continue treating him like he has pneumonia, but even after the scan she wasn't really positively sure.. because of his remaining pleural effusion in the right lung and the tumor, the overall view was hindered....and basically we need to get him back on a treatment regimen to get the tumors back in check, so the fluid will go away and his pain will subside...we have scheduled appts mon and tues to meet with the clinical trial dept. about that latest trial-hoping to get that rolling by next week...and until then, he needs to finish his antibiotics and manage his pain with pain meds....as much as he can.....basically, cancer really sucks and there is no prettier way to say it-as the tumors grow, they push on organs and cause pain....so you just have to manage it until you can get a treatment that shrinks the tumors....which brings me back to getting your moles checked-PLEASE, PLEASE,  whoever you are, friend, family, stranger, please check your moles....if they look suspicious, please go to a dermatologist and let them check for you!!! Just that little step could save your life.

If I didn't love each and everyone of you, I wouldn't be wasting my time typing this-but God has really been speaking to me over the last few months....and I have promised God I will listen and be obedient-whatever He tells me to do, I will do it-no matter how psycho it may seem ;) Even if it means introducing myself to a complete stranger at McDonald's and giving her my contact info because I want to make sure she knows Jesus and goes to Heaven......I hope you are reading Smoki-because you are so very special to God and He obviously wanted us to know one another-I am just blessed He chose me to meet you-I love you girl and am always here for you!!

So, the next few days are filled with basketball games, church and trying to relax and enjoy my family-making sure we all realize how very precious life is and how we can't waste it on dumb, unimportant things....My love will never give up, never lose faith, is always hopeful and will endure-through EVERYTHING!!!

Love you all!!

I know He will Come....He did once already today...... :)

So I am typing now from the ER room #29 at MD Anderson, while Marcus finally rests....his nurse was not playing around and when he told her his pain level was 8 out of 10, she politely fixed him up with a shot of Delotta into his IV.....now if any of you truly know Marcus, you will know he has never done drugs and has never been drunk in his entire life...and he truly stays away from pain meds if possible....so once the Delotta hit him, well, let's just say, he was amazed....and now, finally, after 2 days of agony, he is finally resting, pain free, waiting for his CT scan......ER doc says from looking at his xray and bloodwork, she is concerned about 2 things mainly-pulmonary embolism or yet another pleural effusion.  She also says the CT will make more clear if the tumors in his right lung are growing, or if it's just fluid.....SOOO, we wait, for God's spirit to rain down once again....just like it did this afternoon...let me explain.....
We had been back and forth on the phone with Marcus' Med. Oncologist here at MD Anderson trying to determine what to do...come in, or wait it out....meanwhile, trying to determine our plan for the girls...Marcus wanted to drive himself and wanted me to stay home with the girls and go about our normal routine...I didn't feel comfortable with him driving alone with his pain the way it has been, but I didn't want to put more stress on my mom-in-law...she has been helping take care of my niece because her parents were sick, then my other brother-in-law has to have surgery and I didn't want her to have to choose where she wanted to be-especially since she has helped us so much, I wanted her to be able to help her other sons too....ANYWAYS, Marcus and Sela were sittin on the couch, discussing our options, and Sela did not want me to stay-she wanted me with her daddy and got really upset...Marcus was trying to explain to her that we needed to help our family-they have helped us so much and we needed to be strong and help back....he then told her that it was very important for her to continue to keep her faith and strength in God no matter what the outcome was for him....tough message to be sending to your 9 year old right before you leave for the ER, but he felt the need and then all of the sudden while he was talkin to her and explaining that we needed to ask God to help us all get through this difficult time and guide us and keep us strong, he was overwhelming overcome by the Spirit of God, so much that he said he felt warm from head to toe and just kept telling me that it had been a very long time that he truly felt God pour out His spirit on him like that....I was overcome with emotion and just ran to hold him and Sela tightly.....I was in awe.  After this pouring out of the spirit Marcus felt great-I mean, he truly felt better than he had in a week and he really wasn't even sure he wanted to go to the hospital.....but he decided he needed to get here and see what was going on-hopefully just get some antibiotics and come back home.....which leads me back to where I began.....
I have attached a video/song by Hillsong that I always enjoy, "You'll Come"..I know that God will come to us every time we need Him and every time we call for Him...I witnessed it today, and I continue to witness it every day......He may not fix things with a snap of a finger-but He is always there for us and never lets us down-we just have to call on Him and seek Him.....so we will wait for the CT and figure out what our next step is.....God is in control....and we are perfectly happy with that :)

Love you all and thank you so much for your continued prayers and support!!!

ok, so even physician assistants make mistakes ;)

Don't you just love it when the physician assistant hands you a consent form for your upcoming clinical trial-and you research it, spread the word, get ready...and then get a phone call telling you he gave you the wrong paperwork ?!?!??!  That is enough to stress me out for the next year!!!  And that is what happenned!  Marcus just got a call from MDA telling him he had the wrong paperwork-the actual trial he will be partcipating in is RO4929097 and it is a Gamma Secretase Inhibitor trial... so, I just wanted to quickly let you all know the correct name of his trial and we are praying we won't have any other errors when his medicine gets dispensed ;)

so we wait a little more for God's plan....

So the GSK trial that Dr. Kim wanted Marcus in is not open to new patients yet.....bummer-BUT, they would like him to try another phase one trial-MGCD265-supposedly there have only been 6 Melanoma patients try this trial and the company is trying to recruit more Melanoma patients to see if this maybe an option for them....1 patient responded completely-no active disease, 1 patient has stable disease, 2 are still in their cycle and haven't rescanned yet to know, and 2 had progression....so, Marcus has to decided to try this trial and see what happens.  If the GSK BRAF trial does open up, he can get into it later, he just has to be out of this one for 28 days.....SOOOOO, we are trusting that God will lead him to the right trial...and if this one works, GREAT, if it keeps the disease stable until the BRAF trial opens, even better-we just keep believing and trusting that God's plan is in action and we will patiently wait to see it unfold :)  Please keep those prayers coming prayer warriors! oh, and while you are praying, please add the following people to your prayers-they are currently fighting their own battles and need all of our prayers too!!

Chris Henry-Melanoma Warrior
Eston Smith-Melanoma Warrior
Samantha Channels-Melanoma Warrior
Mike Brockey-Melanoma Warrior
Lisa Trahan Broussard-Thyroid Cancer Warrior
Morgan Watson-Leukemia Warrior
Mark Hidalgo-Stomach Cancer Warrior
Mark Holmes-complications after rotator cuff surgery-nerve damage and pain

Thank you all for your continued love and support.  I don't know how we would be making it without you all!

For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal

"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Marcus was reading this to me last night before we went to sleep and it brought tears to my eyes....The past few days have been rough...Marcus has had some lower back pain and a low grade fever and it has been troubling me.  I want him to be healed so very badly!  I cannot stand to see him suffer and he puts on such a brave face for me and the girls-on one hand I admire him so much for it and the on the other, I hurt deep inside my heart because I know it is not easy to suffer with a smile on your face-but he does-because he loves us.

You know the little things really show me how much he loves me....for example-Figure Skating was something he would NEVER watch and always talked ugly about it-and not that I am a huge fan or anything, but I always liked to watch-the girls are so graceful-and I like to see what kind of crazy outfits the couples come up with! :)  But as we have been following the Winter Olympics-(I LOVE the snowboarding!) Marcus has watched Figure Skating without a fight-even comments on the techniques, scores, etc....I know it is silly, but that gesture-truly proves that he is no longer a man worried about what others think-he loves God-he loves me-and he shows it any way he can. 

So tomorrow we make the trip back to MD Anderson to see if the trial has opened again and is accepting new patients.  We have decided not to stress about this-we have put all our trust in this BRAF mutation, but only God can send the healing-and we believe in a living Jesus-and just like He healed the blind and sick in the bible-we TRUST that HE can heal Marcus in 2010.  So please keep sending the prayers, we thank you all so very much for them-and get ready to see your prayers answered!!  We are expecting a total healing from the inside out.  

And we know that what we are seeing now is temporary-but the the unseen is eternal-and we are so very excited about that!!!!!

LIFE-I guess I really am getting old!! ;)

Ok, so to start I am attaching some pics of our girls from Sela's Sock Hop at school today and one of Sloane and I-she still loves me and isn't embarrassed of me-I will get into that statement further in a minute ;) Today I am only 34 years old, soon to be 35, but to be honest with you I totally still feel like a kid inside. I know people always say it-but it is true-even though my hip hurt for 3 days after we took the girls bowling the other night, I still feel young inside-I still get excited when we do things-little things, like going to the movies, bowling, out to eat, just get together with my family and friends and visit-I love that and it always makes me happy inside. I love to be around people...and I guess I just can't remember how I really felt when I was 9, but I don't remember being completely repulsed by my mom...I called her today to ask just to make sure, and she did remind me of the time I hid in the backseat when she came to pick me up with rollers in her hair, but that is different!  Sorry Mom!!

Ok, to my point-today Sloane and I went to Sela's school for her Sock Hop for Valentine's Day...I try to go to all events at school-but today was different. To start, Sela said this morning, "Oh, your coming to the Sock Hop?" I mean I guess I should have gotten the hint then, but I didn't! So as we walk into the cafeteria where Sela's class is still having lunch, I see Sela run to her Vice Principal and ask something and then run in the opposite direction of Sloane and I....so I asked her friends, "Where is she going?" and they basically tell me that she is trying to get away from us...she went to the bathroom! I should have left then....so the rest of lunch Sela ignores us, sitting right next to her little boyfriend and doing all she can to make her sweet little sister get away from her...it was sad...and she never spoke to me-only gave me "eyes"....So we go to the sock hop and Sela doesn't really wanna participate-I guess she is too cool-but Sloane wants to do all of it! So she does and I try to record them-Sela hides behind friends-she is never shy for the camera-but now, today-she wants no part of it!!!! Ok, so after the Sock Hop we go back to her class, and usually after any class party, or event, the kids wanna go home early-NOT TODAY-Sela has decided she wants to stay at school with her cool friends and pretty much shoves me out the door. I know I sound like a big baby, but I am MAD-my first born daughter doesn't think she needs me in her world and is basically embarrased of my total being-I thought I was kinda cool-at least a little ;)

So, in my anger, I am also extremely SAD.....because I am realizing, that my girls are getting bigger and they don't need me holding their hands anymore...they are little humans with their own likes/dislikes, and things that make them excited and happy-and at this point, Sela has released me from that job-she doesn't need me :( My heart is broken.

So I am trying to face this like a grown up...even though I have reminded her how it hurts when your family treats you like you don't exist...and how I can't stand to see 9 year old girls acting like little goofballs around a bunch of 9 year old boys that are goofballs too ;) But this is how Life goes right? Boys make girls goo goo gaa gaa...I DON'T WANNA EVEN THINK ABOUT WHEN SHE IS A TEENAGER!?!?!

So all day I have been praying for God to help me...get over my anger, sadness, etc and it hits me.....God is our Father...and for much of my life, I acted like I didn't know Him-I was embarrased of Him-He didn't fit into my cool world....but He was always there, waiting for me to realize how important He is in my life-and how He has never left me...even when I thought I didn't need Him!!!! Oh, how God's heart must have hurt when I ignored Him when He tried to speak to me-tried to be part of my life and daily activities...How mad He must have been that I thought I was too cool for Him.....If this isn't a complete wake up call friends....wow, I don't know what is!!

So after I submit this post I will hug my Sela and tell her how much I love her and let her know, that like God is for us, I will always be here for her, I will always love her-even if I'm not as cool as she and her friends are ;)

Always Enough!!!

No matter what-He is Always Enough for me. Yesterday was a little rough for me-but I know that God is in control-and He is Always Enough-what peace that brings to my heart!! Enjoy the video/song above...and I pray He is Always Enough for you!!!

We wait patiently on the Lord...

Well today we went to MDA to meet with the clinical trial team. At this time, the trial Dr. Kim wanted Marcus in is not open-but they are hoping it will re-open in 2-3 weeks. If not, then
there are several other trials available-this was just the first choice-SO-we will patiently wait for God to bring us to whatever trial is necessary for Marcus to receive his healing!! Please continue to pray for our patience -especially mine-I get antsy when things don't happen
as fast as I think they should ;) Thank you all again for your
continued support-we love you all!!!