Circle of Life

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted.

After celebrating Marcus' 36th bday on sunday, I have been in a depressed FUNK!  Watching old home videos, looking at pictures, re-living memories of our family, our time together-before Melanoma-has me feeling lost....it seems like those videos, pictures, memories were years ago...Sela told me the other day she gets mad because it feels like she can hardly remember times with her Daddy...this makes me so sad, but at the same time I feel the same. When I listen to his voice in the videos it seems strange..it's not like I remember him talking or sounding, but I know it is him....So I just told her we would keep watching the videos and look at pictures as much as she wants...I don't want her to ever forget...Sloane either. Their Daddy was a great man and he loved them so very much.

Sela writing message to her Daddy for his birthday

Sloane writing her message while her cousin Aiden watches

My daily devotionals for the past 2 days have been about the circle of life. How there is a time for everything and our perspective on the situation will determine our future. Through every up, down, twist, turn, God is still God and will never change. He is always there for us-ALWAYS.  This brings me peace because I know, that no matter what, He is on my side and FOR me :) Some days, it seems, others feel like they know how I am feeling, or they assume my grieving process isn't sufficient...but the fact of the matter is, life is full of ups and downs, happiness and sadness....I choose to remember the love Marcus gave me-and continue living a life of love and happiness.  He will always remain in my heart-I will always love and miss him-always. But I will keep joy in my heart and not let the devil steal it and replace it with anger or sadness. My glass will always be half full.

Psalms 27:13 I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. (NKJV)

Are you a Christian?

So today I cleaned out Marcus' truck, put new tags on it and was attempting to get it ready for his dad to borrow...but it wouldn't start...so we will have to work on that later...but the whole time I was cleaning all his stuff out I was fine...until it wouldn't start..then for whatever reason, that is when I got upset and started to cry..why I have no clue...so I cried sitting in the driveway for a few minutes, got myself under control and drove-headed home with a Sonic cheeseburger and tots and cherry, vanilla dr.pepper and began my quiet time...when I opened my Daily Devotional for today I was so amazed....today it is about "What is a Christian?" you can read by clicking the link here... http://cotr.com/Devotions/september/sep20.pdf  
Since Marcus has passed, I have felt so torn inside about the Christian journey.  Before his death, I was always so focused on him and prayin he would get well, I never really paid attention to anyone else, but it seems that lately I am so frustrated with people who claim to be Christians, but show no Christ like qualities outside of church or bible study. I know Jesus is my Lord and Savior and I strive to live for Him everyday and do what He says...I am not perfect, but I try to be obedient and I pray that people see Christ in me.  It just seems more and more I am seeing people who claim to be Christians, but they are constantly negative, gossiping, judging or condemning others....and I think they are missing the boat.  That is why I love the song attached by Amy Grant...the lyrics truly say it all..so please take the time to listen. Each one of us has the opportunity to begin a new history today and start new...clean slate....Phil 3:13"Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead."

When I meet someone I want them to see Christ in me and know, without a doubt, that I AM A CHRISTIAN in every sense of the word.  I want them to know that I will love them like Christ does, and I will lead, guide, help, etc...without judging, condemning or gossiping about them behind their backs...and I will try everyday to be obedient to God-as He instructs in the bible.  None of us are perfect and we will make mistakes, but I think if we all just tried a little harder to be Christ like in every step, we would bring a lot more people to Jesus.

Thank you again to everyone that calls/emails/texts to check on me and the girls.  Your support and prayers always mean the world to me. I know we are loved and I am forever grateful. <3

First day!!

Today was Sela's first day of 4th grade!  I cannot believe she is getting so big!  I woke her up and offered her some coffee milk like we used to drink when we were younger-to help get her going!  Neither one of my girls are morning people, and I knew she needed some pep in her step to start this school year off right! :)  She was very happy and ready to go! I was very pleased and had a great morning talk with her. As I was going over the normal mom stuff (reminding her to be herself, smile and not look so serious all the time, if you want friends-you have to be approachable and be a friend first, etc) I watched her every expression, every move and was again reminded how she looks SO much like her daddy. The little freckle on her nostril just like his...her big eyes-her serious face.....so I let her know-that all day today, while she was making her way through her new campus-her daddy was watching and with her with each step-and I know he is very proud of her.  Her eyes kind of got a little glassy, but then she looked at me and smiled and said, "i know"!  Gotta love that 4th grade knowledge...she already knows everything ;) Tomorrow is Sloane's turn! She will start a new Pre-K program-only 3 days a week-but she is excited....at least today she is...I will keep you posted how it goes on the first official day! 

So as I type this post, I just want everyone reading to know....Life is good for us. We are happy.  We will always miss Marcus.  We will always love Marcus.  We will never stop talking about him.  We will always have pictures of him and our family around our home.  But we have peace.  We know where he is. We know he no longer suffers.  Our lives are taking a new path with new people involved, but it will never take away or erase any part of our lives before.  It is just a new season.  And we are so grateful for the season of life we had with Marcus.  He truly helped shape us into the people we are today.  I know that for a fact. I would NOT be the woman I am today, if I hadn't been married to Marcus.  He was a great husband, friend, father-leader.  I pray that I can have even half as much impact in the lives of others, as he did in mine.

So, here's to today.  The first day of 4th grade for my baby girl Sela...and the eve of the first day of Pre-K for Sloane....with soccer, gymnastics, ballet/tumble, etc....our lives are about to be CRAZY!! But we wouldn't have it any other way.  THANK YOU GOD. <3

Philippians 2:13 " for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure."

Left-Right: Rick Thomisee, Danny Wells, Marcus Stanley & Lee Soileau

Monday I received this picture via email from Kim Soileau, wife of Lee Soileau, co-worker of Marcus'.  She called to check in on me and wanted to send this picture. I was so happy to have it because I didn't have any pics of Marcus on the job or with co-workers.  Exxonmobil was as much of his life as me and the girls were, so this is very important to me.  Seeing him in his uniform, with a huge smile on his face brought me such happiness-but at the same time such sadness.  I have prayed to dream about Marcus since he passed away, and Tues night, it seems after I had looked at this picture all day Monday, I dreamed of him.  But it wasn't the type of dream I had envisioned.  I still don't know what to make of it exactly.  To start off, he knocked on the apartment door-didn't use a key to get in, knocked like a stranger....when I looked through the peephole I saw him, in his uniform, smiling big at me through the hole :) As I opened the door in amazement, he said, "Hey girl, what you been up to?" Like he was an old friend-not like he was my husband-he didn't even kiss me-he just hugged me-why didn't he kiss me like he used to when he got home from work?!? He came in the apartment and for some reason I gave him some mail-like I had been holding it for him to return....he opened it, told me where some paperwork was that I have been looking for...and really didn't talk much....then I asked him, how was I supposed to let the girls come say hi to him, knowing he couldn't stay-like I knew he was just visiting but had to go back to Heaven....he just smiled...and then the girls came in, gave him a big hug and a kiss...then they went back to playing...they didn't even ask him questions, or stick around...it was so crazy and unreal-nothing like would have happened in real life...this dream was so crazy to me....and then, as quickly as he came-he was gone again-no goodbye, nothing...he just vanished......what does this mean? Ever since this dream I have been in a complete funk....part of it may be due to hormones and my monthly visitor ;) but I just feel empty-to top it all off, a close friend of ours that has been battling her own cancer for about 3 yrs is very sick and has turned down hospice....just thinking of her and her own struggle makes me so sad....then today, I read on another Melanoma warriors blog that I follow, Mindy Lanoux, she has been doing a trial in Boston-her tumors are growing again....I HATE CANCER!!!!!  and just when I feel like life is going on and God wants me and the girls to be happy-I get slammed with news and dreams that I can't explain or understand.......  

I just keep praying and trusting that things will turn around and I can be completely happy again, the girls will be adjusted and happy, my family will be happy for us when we transition into our new phase of life.....and we can all get along and love one another like before Melanoma came in and ripped out a piece of our hearts.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Gary Allan : Video : Life Ain't Always Beautiful

I know this song is an old one-but it really means so much to me....day by day the girls and I encounter new struggles. One minute we are good as gold, enjoying life, being happy, living like no tomorrow. Then almost instantly guilt hits our hearts...mainly for Sela and I-Sloane is still so young, it doesn't hit her like us...but it seems the minute we feel happy-guilt stabs our soul and we feel like we should be sad, not happy. We are overcome with emotion because we miss Marcus so much and we truly feel bad for being happy without him. I know these feelings are normal. I try to explain it to Sela-as I try to convince myself...Marcus did not want us to sit around wasting a single second being unhappy. He loved us so much. It truly hurt him to the core to sit here those last few weeks, knowing he couldn't "fix" things for us. Seeing his first born come home from school and hug on him and knowing he couldn't hug her back like she was used to. I remind Sela that he is healed in heaven and he sees us everyday. When we cry, he cries. When we are sad, he is sad. Spending 18 years of your life with someone, then having them taken away-is truly unbelievable. But I have learned from this whole experience, that none of us is guaranteed one single second on this earth. After Marcus passed away, I vowed to myself, that I would not waste a second of my life here on earth. I would LOVE with every ounce of my soul, I would not waste time worrying about tomorrow, what people think about me, or if the house is spotless....I will live everyday, like it is my last. I will be happy, I will love everyone with all my heart and I will make sure my girls are happy. It is the only way I can make it through this new life I lead.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful, but yes Lord, it is a BEAUTIFUL ride!!!!

Failure is not defeat..sharing from Daily Devotions 12:10-thank you Pastor Ron!

***My steps are ordered by God and I will do my best everyday to follow His guidance!***

The believer’s life is a struggle which the Bible teaches from the platform of victory. The person who is right with God will suffer many problems which are common to man, but the Lord will deliver him out of them all. In fact, the more a child of God is afflicted, the more he will multiply and grow. A righteous man may fall seven times but he will always rise again because it is the Lord who always gives us the victory and who always causes us to triumph in Christ Jesus. No weapon that is formed can prosper against you and every tongue that rises to judge you will be condemned because this is a portion of your inheritance through Jesus Christ. Your steps are ordered of the Lord so that even if you were to fall you would not be completely cast down because of the Lord who will uphold you with His right arm so that none of your steps will slide. Failure is not defeat.

Prayer for Today
Dear God, bring back to my remembrance all the words which You have spoken to me and give me confidence to know You will never leave me and never forsake me so that I may boldly say, “If God is for me, who could be against me?”

Scriptures for Today
Psalms 37:23-26 The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD, And He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; For the LORD upholds him with His hand. I have been young, and now am old; Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, Nor his descendants begging bread. He is ever merciful, and lends; And his descendants are blessed. (NKJV)
Psalms 34:19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all. (KJV)

Sharing today's devotional from "The Plain Truth 12:10" written by my Pastor...Ron Hammonds....

Every day I open this devotional, God has the perfect words I need :)

It is not the law that we bind ourselves and others to – but the Spirit...

The letter of the law condemns, criticizes, rejects, and kills but the Spirit of the law embraces, restores, encourages, and gives life. Law demands judgment while mercy frees us from the penalties and punishment of the law. When we judge ourselves and others by the letter of the law we often become harsh and set ourselves up to think and act as though we are policemen, judge, jury, jailer, or executioner. The law divides.
The Spirit of God is a spirit of mercy and we as God’s children do not bind ourselves to the letter of the law but rather to God’s intent … and God never intended to divide Himself from His children or His children from one another. Be merciful.

Prayer for Today
Father forgive me where I have been critical, harsh, judgmental, or condemning toward others and even toward myself. Show me Your mercy and teach me to be merciful toward others and myself as well. Help me to understand the Spirit of the law and not just the letter.

Scriptures for Today
2 Corinthians 3:6 Who also made us sufficient as ministers of the new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. (NKJV)

Romans 8:1-2 There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. (NKJV)

"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" Matthew 5:44

My life as I have known it since 1994 changed on April 1, 2010. My loving husband left this earth to be with the creator of Heaven and Earth. I am forever thankful that he no longer suffers and he is in Heaven, fishing with Jesus like Sloane says :) The past few months have been a roller coaster of emotions for me and the girls. But for the first time, in a long time, we are happy again. We laugh until we cry-we don't think about cancer every second. We don't wonder what is going to happen to us. We just live, in this moment-and we are happy. Some people may judge us. Say horrible things. I am not sure if it is because they don't truly love us, if they are hurt or mad at us because we are happy again, or if they are still dealing with their own grief. I don't know. But what I do know, is that my happiness and my girl's happiness are THE MOST important thing. So the rest of it, will have to be handled by God. I cannot fix everyone's emotions. I have a hard enough time with my own and my girls. I trust in God completely and I am letting Him guide every step I take. I am not perfect, but I am committed to doing things the way God wants me to-so I will be a work in progress everyday. And for those that judge me and persecute me-well, I will just continue to pray for them.

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." Isaiah 43:1-2

The above scripture is the last scripture Sela read to Marcus before he went to sleep, the last night he was alive. It will always be special to me, to Sela and our family....and everyday, I am reminded that God is with us in every step we take.....

Sela's Girl Scout troop had a spaghetti dinner for our family-how wonderful is that?

My friend Ashley Nicholson created and sold t-shirts in our honor-we <3 the nicholsons :)

Local christian bands The Consequences of Sound, Sorrow's End, Book of Giants and Sitting Curbside took time out of their schedules to play music and raise money for a cure for Melanoma!!

Last week a friend and former co-worker of Marcus', Meekie Moseley, came by with a card and check from a BBQ dinner fundraiser they held in honor of Marcus....proving that Exxonmobil was just as much family to Marcus as me and the girls are....

Today, Shelby Morgan, daughter of friend and former co-worker of Marcus, Mark Morgan, took time out of her schedule to show Sela some soccer tips and just be a friend she could talk to...

Everyday, God shows me that no matter how hard it is for us without Marcus here on earth, we do have people that love us, care about us and want to help us in any way they can. That love is amazing, overwhelming and just hard to fully grasp! But, I am forever grateful, I will forever be thankful for all that God does give me and my sweet girls, everyday.

Thank you everyone that offers support, prays for us, calls/emails/texts to check in, etc....we LOVE you all so very much! I pray that I can help any/all of you when you need help/support too. <3

Widow......and I am only 35.....

When I see the word "widow", I don't really think of myself. I mean in all reality, yes, I am a widow...and I am only 35....that seems crazy to me...today has been a roller coaster of emotions day for me...I attended the funeral of Mr. Mark Hidalgo and as I watched men enter the church in their ExxonMobil uniforms I couldn't hold back the tears...every time I see one of those uniforms, my heart drops to my stomach...I am sad, lonely, angry, frustrated..all things I keep inside because I have to hold it together...I have 2 girls that need a strong momma...but it doesn't mean it is easy....I know Marcus is better in Heaven...I know he is healed...I know God has a plan for our lives...but what is it? When will He show it to us? I am so clueless...please pray for me...because I am so anxious about what is in store for our lives now...I don't like being alone-I never wanted to be a single mom....but I know that I have to trust God to lead me where He wants me...and I do trust Him....I just need help in the patience department :)

Anyways, sorry for the venting. but this blog is my place to get it out...thank you all for your continued prayers for me and my entire family..we feel the prayers...but please don't stop sending them....tonight my prayers will go to Mr. Mark Hidalgo's family....he no longer suffers and has joined Marcus in Heaven-what a great reunion they must be having :)

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

To be filled with Joy and Peace...that is all I want for Sela, Sloane and myself. Some days we are-we move through our day, as normal as we can be-we laugh, love and things seem joyful....then we look at a picture, or discuss a sweet memory of Marcus and our hearts lose the joy and any peace we thought we had....the heart is such a fragile thing. I truly never really knew how fragile until now. We start our group support meetings next week (we missed the one on my b-day) and I pray that the girls can connect with kids that truly know their pain. I pray that I can find other spouses who have been through this-and can tell me it will get better. I know it will, but I think hearing it from some one that has been there, done that-would help me really believe it.

Summer is almost here and I am ready for us to get moving. We have tons of plans-just gotta get them all into motion :) I want the girls to have fun. I want them to be happy. I want them to laugh everyday. Summer has always been our favorite season. We usually have a long trip to the lake. I am sure we will go, but I don't know how it will feel now. So many memories as a family there. Camping, fishing, campfires, etc...how do you return to a place that holds such happy memories, with a broken heart? I don't know how, but I plan on trying-for Sela and Sloane's sake, I will try. I will pick up my broken heart and try to create new memories with them in locations that were so dear to their Daddy's heart....

As I am typing, Sloane is digging in some cards and papers behind me and she finds a booklet from the funeral with Marcus' smiling face on the cover...she says, "Look Momma, there's Daddy...I been missin my Daddy so much...and Momma he's been missing me too, huh?" I answer with a huge lump in my throat, "Yes baby, he's been missin you too, but he's with Jesus now."

Asking for more prayers for my Sweet Sela

The past few mornings have been difficult for Sela. Yesterday when I tried to wake her up for school she was unusually sad and couldn't really get out of bed. She had a dental appointment scheduled for later in the day, so I allowed her to sleep longer and she seemed better later on. The rest of the afternoon/evening was fine. But, when I woke her up this morning, she began to sob, pretty much uncontrollably and more than she has cried since Marcus passed away. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Daddy" and I asked her what about Daddy...she had a dream about him and she was very upset. I held her and let her cry and then when she began to settle down some I asked if Daddy was well or sick in her dream? She said he was well and he was walking around her school with her, asking her how her day was, etc. To me, this was an awesome dream!! I pray to have dreams about Marcus like this...but to her, it was overwhelming and made her miss him more than ever. I assured her that this dream was Daddy's way of reaching out to her, letting her know he is still with her and will always be. I also reminded her of where her Daddy is now and we have to be so happy for him, knowing he is enjoying paradise with the Maker of Heaven and Earth!! I realize we will still be sad, but just that thought alone always makes my heart smile.

So after sleeping a little longer this morning, watching old videos on Daddy's Iphone, Sela seems better. We start our group support sessions this week and I think this will be another great way for her to discuss her feelings-with other kids her age that have also lost a parent.

So today I ask, if you have a second in your day with nothing to do...please stop and say a small prayer for my Sweet Sela's peace..she has been so strong and I know we will all have days like this, but it is much harder to see your child go through them, than go through them yourself. Thank you all..we love y'all more than you will ever know. <3

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14

I am waiting. Everyday I wait.  I wait to not feel sad. I wait for things to feel normal again.  I wait for the things in my mind that overwhelm me at the end of the day, to go away.  I pray, and I wait.  Although the majority of the past week has been ok, a few days in between have been rough.  Swimming with the girls, I look around...a dad is throwing his daughter in the pool-like Marcus would throw our girls at the lake....and I hold back tears.  Later on when I honestly tell Sela I have had a rough day, been missing her daddy a lot, she describes the same feeling when she saw her friend's dad throw her in the water.. :(  So we are feeling the same things and it seems certain moments really hit us hard.  But we keep waiting.  We pray that one day, those moments will only make us happy and not sad.  I trust they will.  It is the only way I can get out of bed.  It has to get better.  I just will not accept anything else.  We are staying busy.  I make sure activities keep us moving.  We just have to keep moving.  Yesterday we had our intake meeting at a local support group for grieving families and we will start that soon.  We are all excited about this.  I pray we meet families that can help us-and we can help-get through this difficult time.

From the lyrics of the attached song:

I wait for the Lord
My soul waits
I wait for the Lord

In his word I place my trust
In his word I rest
In his word I place my trust
for I know I must wait

Thou shall not live on bread alone
But by every word of God
I will not live by bread alone
But by every word

Placing my trust in His word is the only way I make it through each day.  So I wait.

Sharing from "Daily Devotions the plain truth 12:10" written by my Pastor Ron Hammonds....

The following is the devotion for today....please click on the link to find out how to purchase your own copy!! http://cotr.com/devotionalpage.htm

Instead of staring up the steps we must step up the stairs...
Sometimes the task at hand seems insurmountable. I imagine David may have had some of those thoughts when he stood in front of Goliath, the giant. Noah probably felt that way, too, when God told him to build a huge boat that would take over 100 years to complete. Joseph had to stay focused on his dream for over 25 years before it was fulfilled.
How does a person defeat the overwhelming enemies of life? How do you overcome debt, put a failing marriage back together, or win the battle of drug addiction? It’s simple. Instead of staring up the steps we must step up the stairs ... one step at a time. Ask God to give you the next step then don’t just stand there … take it!

Prayer for Today
Father, thank You that I am an overcomer. I will defeat the giants of my life one step at a time. You have created me to win and have dominion. I thank You that I rule and reign in life through Jesus Christ. Today I will take the next step.

Scriptures for Today
Psalms 37:23 The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and He delighteth in his way. (KJV)
Psalms 37:31 The law of his God is in his heart; none of his steps shall slide. (KJV)
1 Peter 2:21 For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps. (NKJV)

Don't you just love this??  I love to see what Pastor Ron has written and what God has to show me each day through this devotional :)  I want to defeat every giant I face and I know it is possible with Christ-and I want everyone I know to feel the same way. To know in your heart that Jesus died for your sins and wants to have a relationship with you-He wants to help you put your marriage back together, get out of debt and stop abusing drugs....if you just reach out and ask for His help and guidance, you CAN overcome!!!!! God is SO good, ALL the time!!!!

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Today my heart is completely broken and my spirits crushed....more than any day since Marcus left us. Sitting at the table with my brothers-in-law and their families for lunch-I am overcome with emotion and have to run to the restroom. Marcus should be sitting next to me. He should be ordering lunch with me. We should be talking, holding hands, sharing stories....but he is not there. So the rest of my day has been crying, crying and more crying....my head hurts from so much crying. I miss him so much. I miss our life together before he got sick. I miss him holding me. I miss his love. Will I ever know love like that again?

The girls don't want to obey me-I guess they feel like since their daddy is gone they don't have to listen anymore....I feel lost, empty, sad, frustrated, angry, depressed......will this ever go away?

I know the Lord is close to me and saving me...He is the only way I am making it through each day. I know God has a plan. I know He will never leave me. After Pastor Ron's sermon today, I also know that I must patiently wait for God's plan and not try to make things happen on my time. So I will wait. As long as it takes, and pray nonstop for strength and more strength to get through days like I have had today.

Please pray for me. My heart is broken-my spirit crushed.

I come alive when I've broken down and given you control...............

Beyond Measure by Jeremy Camp pretty much sums up where I am today....please check out the video attached..hope you enjoy...

Just reading the chorus gives me peace....
"I know that I’ve been,
Given more than beyond measure,
I come alive when,
I see beyond my fears
I know that I’ve been given more than earthly treasure,
I come alive when
I’ve broken down and given you control"

Every day I find a new obstacle-something I thought I was over ..like, seeing Marcus' clothes in the closet, or his toothbrush, or smelling his cologne....things that I thought I could see and not get upset with...and then the knot in my stomach returns..and I just keep praying for strength.  Tonight we went to church and I was reminded again how powerful it is to be loved by God and truly know without a doubt where I will go when I die....and it makes me so happy to know that Marcus is there now...maybe a tad jealous because he gets to enjoy paradise while we have to carry on down here, BUT it makes me rejoice because I know that one day, we will see him again.  I have to admit, the past few days, even though I knew all that, I wasn't exactly able to be happy about it...I have had some rough moments....anger, sadness, frustration....the list goes on...but I am so thankful for the word of God, because when I read it or hear it preached, I remember who I am, what I stand for, and I press on.  No, I am not perfect-I have daily struggles, temptations, etc...but I keep asking for God's help, and he keeps helping!  I truly do come alive, when I've broken down and given all control to God....what an awesome feeling!  <3

Moments.....

Most of the moments of the day are pretty normal and I have been able to keep my composure for the most part...until the following moments occur..and I feel like my stomach is one huge knot and someone has cut my heart out of my chest-and I can't help but cry and feel like I will vomit.....

1. A co-worker of Marcus', Danny Wells, called me yesterday and met me to give me a pair of channel locks, with blue handles, with grease still on them...and he tells me Marcus used them when he tested for first class machinist.....
2. As we sit down to eat dinner together last night, Sela reaches her little hand out-like she always does, for daddy's hand so we can say grace as a family, and her little eyes glass over and we both start to cry....
3. Sloane decides she wants to watch videos on daddy's iphone that he took, and as I hear his voice, laughter, I am already a basket case and she looks at me and says, "See, Daddy wasn't in heaven then, he was with you at the mall and he was better."
4. Night before last we were all 3 about to go to sleep and I had each girl in my arms...and Sela says, "It's just not like Daddy's arm Momma." I agree and I miss Daddy's arm too-we could always fall asleep so peacefully wrapped in his arm.
5. Last night Sloane says, "I just wanna go to heaven and see Daddy."

and these moments continue to occur....more and more each day it seems.  I have been praying every night since Marcus passed to see him in my dreams. To connect with him somehow....and each night, nothing....but last night, I prayed again to just hear his voice and know he is ok and still watching over us... I just miss him so much....so this morning as I woke up, I remembered my dream...it was Marcus, I had talked to him on the phone, almost like he was at the hospital and I was on my way back...and he told me he was feeling so much better.....and that's all I really needed to hear I guess....

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Today marks one full week since my high school sweetheart, the love of my life, my true soulmate, went to be with Jesus.  Saying those words, "went to be with Jesus", will never be easy for me, but I have such a peace from them.  Words cannot express the feelings I have inside right now.  Watching our girls play, listening to them fight, knowing they will never see their daddy again on earth, knowing he will never be able to hug and kiss us again like he used to....that makes me horribly sad.  However, seeing and hearing of new souls coming to the Lord or someone going to get their moles checked because of Marcus-this makes me eternally grateful that I am Mindy Stanley, the chosen wife of Marcus Stanley.  He is a great man and I know he is still watching over me, Sela and Sloane.  From my washing machine all of the sudden working on the cold cycle-and no one else worked on it, from the music that played randomly on Sela's Ipod dock as we were talking about her daddy, to the medical equipment that was already scheduled to be picked up on tuesday, when no one knows why, because no one called to do it-that is all Marcus, showing me and the girls that he will forever be taking care of us.

So I will trust in the Lord everyday and I know that we will be ok.  I know that is hard for some people to understand.  They ask me, "How are you holding up?" or, "I know you're not ok, but are you ok?"  I don't know what they expect of me, but I will tell you one thing....Marcus Allen Stanley made me a strong woman. He told me often that I could do anything.  He taught our daughters the same.  That through Christ, we could do it-nothing was impossible.  So, when you look at us and you don't understand how we are holding up so well....just remember who our husband and daddy was.....can you truly expect anything else?  ;)

My love received his healing today.....

This post will be short-but I just wanted to let you all know that my love finally received his healing. He is in heaven now with our Lord and running, breathing and enjoying paradise.  THANK YOU LORD.  Please keep our sweet girls in your prayers, as well as all of our family.  We will miss Marcus so much, but we thank God for not letting him suffer anymore on this earth. 

Visitation will be Saturday from 5-8pm at Broussard's Mortuary, 490 Cemetery Road, Silsbee, TX and the funeral will be Monday at 10 am at Golden Triangle Church on the Rock, 6355 Hwy 69 S, Beaumont, TX.

Marcus wanted to make sure that everyone that prayed for his healing would not be discouraged if he did not receive his healing on earth-he accepted long ago that God's will would be done with this battle and he was at peace with that.  Please continue to seek God, and make sure you are saved so that you can see Marcus again one day.  My girls and I will always seek God, never blame God and will trust in Him to get us through every step of this life.  Marcus is our Guardian Angel now and we are happy knowing this.

Love you all.

Hard day, but forever thankful

Disclaimer: this post will probably be hard to follow and not be in any real order-please forgive me, but my thoughts are coming out randomly.

Today has been a very rough day for me. I had a little break down this morning-I told Marcus I was ready for him to come back to me. I need him to hold me, kiss me, hug me, talk to me like he used to...I miss him so much. Yes he is still here, but with the pain meds, it's like he is not him. I am so ready for our life to be back to normal. I am ready for us to be a family again. I am ready for Melanoma to leave and never come back again. In the middle of his own fight, he looks at me and tells me "I'm coming back baby, I'm trying, I'm coming back!" and then he prays to God to give me peace. He is praying for my peace. Can you even wrap your minds around that? It is hard for me to wrap mine around it-but I thank God for every second I have with Marcus and although this season is the hardest we have ever weathered....I know we will be stronger because of it.

Yesterday was a pretty great day for Marcus-he ate 2 ribs and some carrot souffle from Willy Ray's! A milestone as far as food goes. And I was so thankful. Tonight he actually ate 2 pieces of a steak finger and he even dipped it in cream gravy :) Again, I was thankful.

Sela wanted to have a day for us (just the 2 of us) to get mani/pedis and I told her we would do it during spring break-but Marcus was admitted to hospital for her entire spring break, so we never did it. Well, today, I told her we would and we did! It was great to get away, just the two of us and take our minds off of "cancer". Thank God for Marcus' mom being able to stay with him-I don't know what I would do without her.  THANK YOU DEBBIE! I LOVE YOU! 

Sela is still is having a hard time with all of this, but being able to talk to teachers/counselors is helping. I just keep praying Marcus will be well soon, so we can look back and say, "So glad that is behind us."

Last week, the day Marcus was released from the hospital, a friend from work, Kevin Sanderson, came by the hospital with a collection gathered from some of his co-workers. The time this man took out of his life to come by and visit Marcus and bring an envelope of hard earned money from others-was so greatly appreciated. And every person that donated and signed the envelope-THANK YOU. I am attaching a picture I took of the envelope, because I didn't want to misspell anyone's name...but you know who you are-Marcus thanks you, I thank you and our girls thank you for your kindness.

Wednesday night after the regular church service at Golden Triangle Church on the Rock, family and friends will gather (around 8:15-8:30pm) to pray for Marcus. I will be there with the girls, but at this point, I don't think Marcus will make it. His mom has offered to stay with him so I can go and I am so thankful-it has been weeks now since I was able to attend church-and I need to so badly. Anyone is welcome to join in prayer....He needs all he can get before he gets chemo on Thursday.

Thank you all for your continued support, encouragement, prayers, emails, text messages, etc....we love all of you and although our road is rough right now, we believe it is all to bring souls to Jesus.....and the more souls we bring to Jesus, the happier we will be...so if that means we have to endure pain, suffering, etc. longer, then we will-and we will Praise God every second.  It doesn't mean we won't have days where we feel like giving up, because we will, we are only human...but I will promise you this.....as long as we have air in our lungs to speak and ask God to give us strength and guide us-we will.