"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" Matthew 5:44

My life as I have known it since 1994 changed on April 1, 2010. My loving husband left this earth to be with the creator of Heaven and Earth. I am forever thankful that he no longer suffers and he is in Heaven, fishing with Jesus like Sloane says :) The past few months have been a roller coaster of emotions for me and the girls. But for the first time, in a long time, we are happy again. We laugh until we cry-we don't think about cancer every second. We don't wonder what is going to happen to us. We just live, in this moment-and we are happy. Some people may judge us. Say horrible things. I am not sure if it is because they don't truly love us, if they are hurt or mad at us because we are happy again, or if they are still dealing with their own grief. I don't know. But what I do know, is that my happiness and my girl's happiness are THE MOST important thing. So the rest of it, will have to be handled by God. I cannot fix everyone's emotions. I have a hard enough time with my own and my girls. I trust in God completely and I am letting Him guide every step I take. I am not perfect, but I am committed to doing things the way God wants me to-so I will be a work in progress everyday. And for those that judge me and persecute me-well, I will just continue to pray for them.

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." Isaiah 43:1-2

The above scripture is the last scripture Sela read to Marcus before he went to sleep, the last night he was alive. It will always be special to me, to Sela and our family....and everyday, I am reminded that God is with us in every step we take.....

Sela's Girl Scout troop had a spaghetti dinner for our family-how wonderful is that?

My friend Ashley Nicholson created and sold t-shirts in our honor-we <3 the nicholsons :)

Local christian bands The Consequences of Sound, Sorrow's End, Book of Giants and Sitting Curbside took time out of their schedules to play music and raise money for a cure for Melanoma!!

Last week a friend and former co-worker of Marcus', Meekie Moseley, came by with a card and check from a BBQ dinner fundraiser they held in honor of Marcus....proving that Exxonmobil was just as much family to Marcus as me and the girls are....

Today, Shelby Morgan, daughter of friend and former co-worker of Marcus, Mark Morgan, took time out of her schedule to show Sela some soccer tips and just be a friend she could talk to...

Everyday, God shows me that no matter how hard it is for us without Marcus here on earth, we do have people that love us, care about us and want to help us in any way they can. That love is amazing, overwhelming and just hard to fully grasp! But, I am forever grateful, I will forever be thankful for all that God does give me and my sweet girls, everyday.

Thank you everyone that offers support, prays for us, calls/emails/texts to check in, etc....we LOVE you all so very much! I pray that I can help any/all of you when you need help/support too. <3

Widow......and I am only 35.....

When I see the word "widow", I don't really think of myself. I mean in all reality, yes, I am a widow...and I am only 35....that seems crazy to me...today has been a roller coaster of emotions day for me...I attended the funeral of Mr. Mark Hidalgo and as I watched men enter the church in their ExxonMobil uniforms I couldn't hold back the tears...every time I see one of those uniforms, my heart drops to my stomach...I am sad, lonely, angry, frustrated..all things I keep inside because I have to hold it together...I have 2 girls that need a strong momma...but it doesn't mean it is easy....I know Marcus is better in Heaven...I know he is healed...I know God has a plan for our lives...but what is it? When will He show it to us? I am so clueless...please pray for me...because I am so anxious about what is in store for our lives now...I don't like being alone-I never wanted to be a single mom....but I know that I have to trust God to lead me where He wants me...and I do trust Him....I just need help in the patience department :)

Anyways, sorry for the venting. but this blog is my place to get it out...thank you all for your continued prayers for me and my entire family..we feel the prayers...but please don't stop sending them....tonight my prayers will go to Mr. Mark Hidalgo's family....he no longer suffers and has joined Marcus in Heaven-what a great reunion they must be having :)

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

To be filled with Joy and Peace...that is all I want for Sela, Sloane and myself. Some days we are-we move through our day, as normal as we can be-we laugh, love and things seem joyful....then we look at a picture, or discuss a sweet memory of Marcus and our hearts lose the joy and any peace we thought we had....the heart is such a fragile thing. I truly never really knew how fragile until now. We start our group support meetings next week (we missed the one on my b-day) and I pray that the girls can connect with kids that truly know their pain. I pray that I can find other spouses who have been through this-and can tell me it will get better. I know it will, but I think hearing it from some one that has been there, done that-would help me really believe it.

Summer is almost here and I am ready for us to get moving. We have tons of plans-just gotta get them all into motion :) I want the girls to have fun. I want them to be happy. I want them to laugh everyday. Summer has always been our favorite season. We usually have a long trip to the lake. I am sure we will go, but I don't know how it will feel now. So many memories as a family there. Camping, fishing, campfires, etc...how do you return to a place that holds such happy memories, with a broken heart? I don't know how, but I plan on trying-for Sela and Sloane's sake, I will try. I will pick up my broken heart and try to create new memories with them in locations that were so dear to their Daddy's heart....

As I am typing, Sloane is digging in some cards and papers behind me and she finds a booklet from the funeral with Marcus' smiling face on the cover...she says, "Look Momma, there's Daddy...I been missin my Daddy so much...and Momma he's been missing me too, huh?" I answer with a huge lump in my throat, "Yes baby, he's been missin you too, but he's with Jesus now."

Asking for more prayers for my Sweet Sela

The past few mornings have been difficult for Sela. Yesterday when I tried to wake her up for school she was unusually sad and couldn't really get out of bed. She had a dental appointment scheduled for later in the day, so I allowed her to sleep longer and she seemed better later on. The rest of the afternoon/evening was fine. But, when I woke her up this morning, she began to sob, pretty much uncontrollably and more than she has cried since Marcus passed away. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Daddy" and I asked her what about Daddy...she had a dream about him and she was very upset. I held her and let her cry and then when she began to settle down some I asked if Daddy was well or sick in her dream? She said he was well and he was walking around her school with her, asking her how her day was, etc. To me, this was an awesome dream!! I pray to have dreams about Marcus like this...but to her, it was overwhelming and made her miss him more than ever. I assured her that this dream was Daddy's way of reaching out to her, letting her know he is still with her and will always be. I also reminded her of where her Daddy is now and we have to be so happy for him, knowing he is enjoying paradise with the Maker of Heaven and Earth!! I realize we will still be sad, but just that thought alone always makes my heart smile.

So after sleeping a little longer this morning, watching old videos on Daddy's Iphone, Sela seems better. We start our group support sessions this week and I think this will be another great way for her to discuss her feelings-with other kids her age that have also lost a parent.

So today I ask, if you have a second in your day with nothing to do...please stop and say a small prayer for my Sweet Sela's peace..she has been so strong and I know we will all have days like this, but it is much harder to see your child go through them, than go through them yourself. Thank you all..we love y'all more than you will ever know. <3

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14

I am waiting. Everyday I wait.  I wait to not feel sad. I wait for things to feel normal again.  I wait for the things in my mind that overwhelm me at the end of the day, to go away.  I pray, and I wait.  Although the majority of the past week has been ok, a few days in between have been rough.  Swimming with the girls, I look around...a dad is throwing his daughter in the pool-like Marcus would throw our girls at the lake....and I hold back tears.  Later on when I honestly tell Sela I have had a rough day, been missing her daddy a lot, she describes the same feeling when she saw her friend's dad throw her in the water.. :(  So we are feeling the same things and it seems certain moments really hit us hard.  But we keep waiting.  We pray that one day, those moments will only make us happy and not sad.  I trust they will.  It is the only way I can get out of bed.  It has to get better.  I just will not accept anything else.  We are staying busy.  I make sure activities keep us moving.  We just have to keep moving.  Yesterday we had our intake meeting at a local support group for grieving families and we will start that soon.  We are all excited about this.  I pray we meet families that can help us-and we can help-get through this difficult time.

From the lyrics of the attached song:

I wait for the Lord
My soul waits
I wait for the Lord

In his word I place my trust
In his word I rest
In his word I place my trust
for I know I must wait

Thou shall not live on bread alone
But by every word of God
I will not live by bread alone
But by every word

Placing my trust in His word is the only way I make it through each day.  So I wait.

Sharing from "Daily Devotions the plain truth 12:10" written by my Pastor Ron Hammonds....

The following is the devotion for today....please click on the link to find out how to purchase your own copy!! http://cotr.com/devotionalpage.htm

Instead of staring up the steps we must step up the stairs...
Sometimes the task at hand seems insurmountable. I imagine David may have had some of those thoughts when he stood in front of Goliath, the giant. Noah probably felt that way, too, when God told him to build a huge boat that would take over 100 years to complete. Joseph had to stay focused on his dream for over 25 years before it was fulfilled.
How does a person defeat the overwhelming enemies of life? How do you overcome debt, put a failing marriage back together, or win the battle of drug addiction? It’s simple. Instead of staring up the steps we must step up the stairs ... one step at a time. Ask God to give you the next step then don’t just stand there … take it!

Prayer for Today
Father, thank You that I am an overcomer. I will defeat the giants of my life one step at a time. You have created me to win and have dominion. I thank You that I rule and reign in life through Jesus Christ. Today I will take the next step.

Scriptures for Today
Psalms 37:23 The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and He delighteth in his way. (KJV)
Psalms 37:31 The law of his God is in his heart; none of his steps shall slide. (KJV)
1 Peter 2:21 For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps. (NKJV)

Don't you just love this??  I love to see what Pastor Ron has written and what God has to show me each day through this devotional :)  I want to defeat every giant I face and I know it is possible with Christ-and I want everyone I know to feel the same way. To know in your heart that Jesus died for your sins and wants to have a relationship with you-He wants to help you put your marriage back together, get out of debt and stop abusing drugs....if you just reach out and ask for His help and guidance, you CAN overcome!!!!! God is SO good, ALL the time!!!!

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Today my heart is completely broken and my spirits crushed....more than any day since Marcus left us. Sitting at the table with my brothers-in-law and their families for lunch-I am overcome with emotion and have to run to the restroom. Marcus should be sitting next to me. He should be ordering lunch with me. We should be talking, holding hands, sharing stories....but he is not there. So the rest of my day has been crying, crying and more crying....my head hurts from so much crying. I miss him so much. I miss our life together before he got sick. I miss him holding me. I miss his love. Will I ever know love like that again?

The girls don't want to obey me-I guess they feel like since their daddy is gone they don't have to listen anymore....I feel lost, empty, sad, frustrated, angry, depressed......will this ever go away?

I know the Lord is close to me and saving me...He is the only way I am making it through each day. I know God has a plan. I know He will never leave me. After Pastor Ron's sermon today, I also know that I must patiently wait for God's plan and not try to make things happen on my time. So I will wait. As long as it takes, and pray nonstop for strength and more strength to get through days like I have had today.

Please pray for me. My heart is broken-my spirit crushed.

I come alive when I've broken down and given you control...............

Beyond Measure by Jeremy Camp pretty much sums up where I am today....please check out the video attached..hope you enjoy...

Just reading the chorus gives me peace....
"I know that I’ve been,
Given more than beyond measure,
I come alive when,
I see beyond my fears
I know that I’ve been given more than earthly treasure,
I come alive when
I’ve broken down and given you control"

Every day I find a new obstacle-something I thought I was over ..like, seeing Marcus' clothes in the closet, or his toothbrush, or smelling his cologne....things that I thought I could see and not get upset with...and then the knot in my stomach returns..and I just keep praying for strength.  Tonight we went to church and I was reminded again how powerful it is to be loved by God and truly know without a doubt where I will go when I die....and it makes me so happy to know that Marcus is there now...maybe a tad jealous because he gets to enjoy paradise while we have to carry on down here, BUT it makes me rejoice because I know that one day, we will see him again.  I have to admit, the past few days, even though I knew all that, I wasn't exactly able to be happy about it...I have had some rough moments....anger, sadness, frustration....the list goes on...but I am so thankful for the word of God, because when I read it or hear it preached, I remember who I am, what I stand for, and I press on.  No, I am not perfect-I have daily struggles, temptations, etc...but I keep asking for God's help, and he keeps helping!  I truly do come alive, when I've broken down and given all control to God....what an awesome feeling!  <3

Moments.....

Most of the moments of the day are pretty normal and I have been able to keep my composure for the most part...until the following moments occur..and I feel like my stomach is one huge knot and someone has cut my heart out of my chest-and I can't help but cry and feel like I will vomit.....

1. A co-worker of Marcus', Danny Wells, called me yesterday and met me to give me a pair of channel locks, with blue handles, with grease still on them...and he tells me Marcus used them when he tested for first class machinist.....
2. As we sit down to eat dinner together last night, Sela reaches her little hand out-like she always does, for daddy's hand so we can say grace as a family, and her little eyes glass over and we both start to cry....
3. Sloane decides she wants to watch videos on daddy's iphone that he took, and as I hear his voice, laughter, I am already a basket case and she looks at me and says, "See, Daddy wasn't in heaven then, he was with you at the mall and he was better."
4. Night before last we were all 3 about to go to sleep and I had each girl in my arms...and Sela says, "It's just not like Daddy's arm Momma." I agree and I miss Daddy's arm too-we could always fall asleep so peacefully wrapped in his arm.
5. Last night Sloane says, "I just wanna go to heaven and see Daddy."

and these moments continue to occur....more and more each day it seems.  I have been praying every night since Marcus passed to see him in my dreams. To connect with him somehow....and each night, nothing....but last night, I prayed again to just hear his voice and know he is ok and still watching over us... I just miss him so much....so this morning as I woke up, I remembered my dream...it was Marcus, I had talked to him on the phone, almost like he was at the hospital and I was on my way back...and he told me he was feeling so much better.....and that's all I really needed to hear I guess....

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Today marks one full week since my high school sweetheart, the love of my life, my true soulmate, went to be with Jesus.  Saying those words, "went to be with Jesus", will never be easy for me, but I have such a peace from them.  Words cannot express the feelings I have inside right now.  Watching our girls play, listening to them fight, knowing they will never see their daddy again on earth, knowing he will never be able to hug and kiss us again like he used to....that makes me horribly sad.  However, seeing and hearing of new souls coming to the Lord or someone going to get their moles checked because of Marcus-this makes me eternally grateful that I am Mindy Stanley, the chosen wife of Marcus Stanley.  He is a great man and I know he is still watching over me, Sela and Sloane.  From my washing machine all of the sudden working on the cold cycle-and no one else worked on it, from the music that played randomly on Sela's Ipod dock as we were talking about her daddy, to the medical equipment that was already scheduled to be picked up on tuesday, when no one knows why, because no one called to do it-that is all Marcus, showing me and the girls that he will forever be taking care of us.

So I will trust in the Lord everyday and I know that we will be ok.  I know that is hard for some people to understand.  They ask me, "How are you holding up?" or, "I know you're not ok, but are you ok?"  I don't know what they expect of me, but I will tell you one thing....Marcus Allen Stanley made me a strong woman. He told me often that I could do anything.  He taught our daughters the same.  That through Christ, we could do it-nothing was impossible.  So, when you look at us and you don't understand how we are holding up so well....just remember who our husband and daddy was.....can you truly expect anything else?  ;)

My love received his healing today.....

This post will be short-but I just wanted to let you all know that my love finally received his healing. He is in heaven now with our Lord and running, breathing and enjoying paradise.  THANK YOU LORD.  Please keep our sweet girls in your prayers, as well as all of our family.  We will miss Marcus so much, but we thank God for not letting him suffer anymore on this earth. 

Visitation will be Saturday from 5-8pm at Broussard's Mortuary, 490 Cemetery Road, Silsbee, TX and the funeral will be Monday at 10 am at Golden Triangle Church on the Rock, 6355 Hwy 69 S, Beaumont, TX.

Marcus wanted to make sure that everyone that prayed for his healing would not be discouraged if he did not receive his healing on earth-he accepted long ago that God's will would be done with this battle and he was at peace with that.  Please continue to seek God, and make sure you are saved so that you can see Marcus again one day.  My girls and I will always seek God, never blame God and will trust in Him to get us through every step of this life.  Marcus is our Guardian Angel now and we are happy knowing this.

Love you all.

Hard day, but forever thankful

Disclaimer: this post will probably be hard to follow and not be in any real order-please forgive me, but my thoughts are coming out randomly.

Today has been a very rough day for me. I had a little break down this morning-I told Marcus I was ready for him to come back to me. I need him to hold me, kiss me, hug me, talk to me like he used to...I miss him so much. Yes he is still here, but with the pain meds, it's like he is not him. I am so ready for our life to be back to normal. I am ready for us to be a family again. I am ready for Melanoma to leave and never come back again. In the middle of his own fight, he looks at me and tells me "I'm coming back baby, I'm trying, I'm coming back!" and then he prays to God to give me peace. He is praying for my peace. Can you even wrap your minds around that? It is hard for me to wrap mine around it-but I thank God for every second I have with Marcus and although this season is the hardest we have ever weathered....I know we will be stronger because of it.

Yesterday was a pretty great day for Marcus-he ate 2 ribs and some carrot souffle from Willy Ray's! A milestone as far as food goes. And I was so thankful. Tonight he actually ate 2 pieces of a steak finger and he even dipped it in cream gravy :) Again, I was thankful.

Sela wanted to have a day for us (just the 2 of us) to get mani/pedis and I told her we would do it during spring break-but Marcus was admitted to hospital for her entire spring break, so we never did it. Well, today, I told her we would and we did! It was great to get away, just the two of us and take our minds off of "cancer". Thank God for Marcus' mom being able to stay with him-I don't know what I would do without her.  THANK YOU DEBBIE! I LOVE YOU! 

Sela is still is having a hard time with all of this, but being able to talk to teachers/counselors is helping. I just keep praying Marcus will be well soon, so we can look back and say, "So glad that is behind us."

Last week, the day Marcus was released from the hospital, a friend from work, Kevin Sanderson, came by the hospital with a collection gathered from some of his co-workers. The time this man took out of his life to come by and visit Marcus and bring an envelope of hard earned money from others-was so greatly appreciated. And every person that donated and signed the envelope-THANK YOU. I am attaching a picture I took of the envelope, because I didn't want to misspell anyone's name...but you know who you are-Marcus thanks you, I thank you and our girls thank you for your kindness.

Wednesday night after the regular church service at Golden Triangle Church on the Rock, family and friends will gather (around 8:15-8:30pm) to pray for Marcus. I will be there with the girls, but at this point, I don't think Marcus will make it. His mom has offered to stay with him so I can go and I am so thankful-it has been weeks now since I was able to attend church-and I need to so badly. Anyone is welcome to join in prayer....He needs all he can get before he gets chemo on Thursday.

Thank you all for your continued support, encouragement, prayers, emails, text messages, etc....we love all of you and although our road is rough right now, we believe it is all to bring souls to Jesus.....and the more souls we bring to Jesus, the happier we will be...so if that means we have to endure pain, suffering, etc. longer, then we will-and we will Praise God every second.  It doesn't mean we won't have days where we feel like giving up, because we will, we are only human...but I will promise you this.....as long as we have air in our lungs to speak and ask God to give us strength and guide us-we will. 

"I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

Everyday is a blessing. God is in control. End of discussion.

The past few days have been very emotional for our family and honestly the hardest times in our lives thus far. When Marcus was first diagnosed in 2008 we researched online everything we could about Melanoma to prepare ourselves. We are not stupid-we know the stats-we know what can happen-cancer is cancer and we have both lost loved ones to some form of it, so we know full well what "could" happen. However, after Marcus was moved to Stage IV in August, we decided we would no longer search and read about the stats, etc. We decided, together, that we would put 110% of our trust in God and let Him handle this disease. Yes, we would fight, but we would not worry about what CT scans look like, or what doctors say we should expect, or even what their prognosis may be. We decided that the maker of Heaven and Earth, Our Lord God Almighty, would be the only one that would have the final word-and we will never stray from that. That decision may be hard for some of our family and friends to grasp-either because they may feel we aren't being realistic, or they think we are naive, I don't know-and honestly I don't care..I love all of you, but as far as me, Marcus and our girls, we will not anticipate Melanoma winning this war. We will not dwell on the "what ifs". We will live every day to the fullest and be thankful for every blessing we get on each day. End of discussion.

Today has been one of Marcus' best days in a month. His mom came to stay with him this morning while I went to Sela's last basketball game (she scored!). I helped him get to the kitchen table this morning around 7am, gave him his morning pain meds and a breathing treatment and left the info about the next time he may want/need more medicine. However, much to my surprise, when I returned from the game, his mom told me that they had been praying all morning and he hadn't needed any medicine until right before I arrived home! Which was a blessing, because usually he has to get more meds every 2 hrs, but it had been about 4 hrs and he was still holding on! Praise God! He has been talking and visiting some this afternoon-not his normal 100%, but WAY better than he did at the hospital or the weeks prior to admission. SO, we are so grateful to God for his blessings-and we will take every blessing he sends, small or large, and glorify His name-forever.

The bottom line is, cancer or no cancer, NONE of us is guaranteed one second...no matter how much we think we have control of our lives, we DON'T....I will trust God always-until He speaks the final word.

Melanoma we command you to leave-in Jesus' name!!!!!

We are at MD Anderson-waiting to get admitted. Marcus continued to struggle with shortness of breath and decided yesterday he wanted to come back to hospital. He truly felt like it was fluid again, but xray wasn't clear and he could not lay flat on his back to do the CT, so pulmonary used the ultrasound. And after review of that and compared to CT from 3-9-10, doctors believe it is mostly tumor and any fluid they could reach would not be benificial. So next step-they decided to call in a thoracic surgeon to see if he may have another option to give him relief. As it is now, the tumor in right lung is pressing against his heart and making him feel like he can't breathe. So as of right now, we don't know anything positive yet, but we will continue to pray God grants some relief and guides the doctors to the best plan to get him feeling better. And we command Melanoma to leave his body, in Jesus' name-we have no more patience or time for Melanoma anymore !!!!!

Please keep Sela in your prayers too...

We have 2 beautiful, wonderful, caring, sweet girls. Sela is 9 and Sloane is 4. Both have seen and understand as best they can what is going on with their daddy. Of course, Sloane is so small, she just asks questions, you answer and she goes on about her business..like, "Why does daddy have that walker?", reply-"to help him walk better baby", Sloane replies, "Oh" and she is done-back to playing....Sela on the other hand is having a rougher time...she knows what could happen and she fears more than anything the death of her daddy. I mean, really, can you blame her? Lately I have noticed she seems to anger quickly and I pray that she can find some peace about all of this. Today, while at the movies with one of her second cousins, the attached preview came across the screen....our cousin told us once she heard the word "Melanoma" she quickly turned to Sela to see her reaction....she said Sela just looked at her like she may cry....so she talked to her a bit and after the movie started, Sela was fine....I guess the whole point to this post, is please, please, please pray for Sela...I know I have asked for prayers for Marcus, me and our entire family, but at this moment, Marcus is doing better and better everyday-so those prayers are working...what I would like now is complete prayer for my sweet baby girl...so she can have peace about his whole crazy journey she is having to experience right now....so I am attaching the video, so we can all experience what Sela did today....

Good day

Today has been a good day-the best since we came home. Last night Marcus and I spent the night at a local hotel because he thought soaking in a big jacuzzi tub may help him feel better. So yesterday after his routine labs, we checked in and he relaxed for a few hours. When I asked him if he felt better, he kind of shook his head side to side, as if to say so-so....all I know is that he rested well last night and only woke up twice instead of every 2 hours like the past few nights and ate a few pieces of meat off the top of a slice of pizza :) This morning when we came home after checking out, he sat up at the table, actually talked some to his mom and I (he hasn't been talking much, he signs or writes things down on paper) and even drank a carnation instant breakfast shake and took his meds with no complaints!! I would say that just those events make today a good day-maybe even a GREAT day considering how this past week has gone!
The doctors office did call this afternoon though to let us know that his White Blood Count is really low-expected after chemo-but reminded us to keep him away from groups of people and especially no one that is sick-basically keep him home if possible-and take labs again on Monday instead of waiting until next Thursday....so please pray for him that his counts can come back up so he doesn't have to battle another neutropenic fever like he did in Dec.
He is still very swollen, but it has only been 2 days since he started the Lasix, so I am praying it will start working soon, without dehydrating him. His right lung is almost completely collapsed due to the tumor and fluid, so breathing has been very difficult-he pretty much has to stay on oxygen 24/7, and uses a walker to walk. Please pray the chemo starts shrinking those darn tumors, so he can start breathing better and walking again freely! He is battling so many things right now and only God can truly carry him out of this....and after all the prayers, texts, emails, etc of support we received yesterday, it is totally obvious to me that God is working and hears our prayers. My strength needed a boost-I was really crumbling fast-seeing him suffer like he has been this week has been extremely difficult for me-way harder than I ever imagined it could be-and there were moments when I thought emotionally that I couldn't take it another day.....but God is so good and He stepped in and sent me the support, encouragement and strength I needed to press on....and when I awoke this morning, I knew it would be a good day :) THANK YOU GOD!!!!
So thank you all our faithful prayer warriors-your prayers are working and believe me they are GRATEFULLY appreciated. We love you all so much and don't know where we would be without each and every one of you-you each touch our lives in a unique way-so THANK YOU!!!

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you." John 15:7

So what if what I ask for is not God's will to give to me?? I know I shouldn't question anything, only trust...but this past week has been very difficult....and I am trying to be strong, trying to get Marcus to eat, walk around, engage....etc....but it is so hard. Especially when he just doesn't want to-he's tired from the pain meds, and he can't breathe-the tumor in his right lung basically has left no space and he is pretty much only working off the left lung...he still is retaining fluid....doctors say he has to eat protein and walk around for the fluid to eventually leave...but he doesn't feel hungry because he is so bloated from fluid. He doesn't want to walk because it is hard to breathe-even with his oxygen-so we are stuck....I keep pressing him to eat, walk, try-but you have to imagine how hard it must be for a man that has never needed help with anything, now needing help with pretty much everything....imagine what just that thought alone is doing to his psyche....it is hard...depressing, frustrating, guess I need to go the thesaurus for more words...but I don't feel like it...I am angry at Melanoma. I am angry at the fact that some people, no matter how much they try, just don't understand and don't get it-they take things for granted-they run to the tanning beds to look good-they don't wear sunscreen because they are too lazy-they count down the hours until they can dump their kids off on someone so they can have "me" time.......how I wish our lives were back to a time when Marcus and I couldn't wait to discuss what we were gonna eat for supper-now he stares at his food for hours-forcing himself to eat a few small bites of something, anything solid.

I'm sorry if the above sounded nutso-but at some points of the day-I guess I do feel like I'm losing my mind. But I keep pressing on. I keep begging God to guide me. To help me find new ways to encourage Marcus without being pushy-I don't want him to get mad and give up. But I want him to fight with all he has....and I know he is fighting-but the battle is so hard. And sometimes has him wondering-what if God's will is for him to come home...and not remain here with us? I ask God to please forgive me if I am being selfish, but there is no way I can fathom why God would need Marcus in heaven more than we need him here on earth with us....am I wrong to feel that way?

As I am typing this post now, Marcus is sitting at the kitchen table beside me, doing all he can to eat half of a junior burger from sonic-seriously, only half-that is it, that is all he can force himself to eat....but he is up, awake, eating, drinking water with his sonic ice he requested...and I am happy. I am refreshed from that and I will keep the Lord's words in my heart and continue to fight-and trust that God does know what is best and I accept His will to be done....even if I may not like it........

Cry out to Jesus

Marcus is having a renal ultrasound as I type. Dr. came in around 1:30pm and told him that she is concerned that his creatinine levels are increasing again and he still is very swollen in his legs/feet....the lasix did not get rid of as much fluid as she hoped and she is stumped really....SOOO, renal ultrasound to make sure kidneys are ok, then she totally discontinued neurontin(which they replaced the lyrica with) because she said that can also cause fluid retention. She also switched his antibiotic to an oral one, since the IV antibiotic has salt in it and he was getting it 4 times a day-also lowered his IV fluid intake because he is just not releasing enough fluid-and he keeps getting more pumped into him. He is more swollen now in his legs/feet than he was when he did the IL-2, which is amazing to me...so not going home tomorrow-maybe monday-all depends on this swelling.

Dr. said she felt like it was a miracle his creatinine levels went down overnight wednesday-and then he was able to get chemo-I am in agreement with that! Although we are unhappy levels are going back up and I am concerned his poor kidneys are just taking beating after beating...I will continue to "Cry out to Jesus" because He is listening......I know He is :)

Thank you all again for your continued prayers and support. We are truly blessed with amazing family and friends.

update

Dr. says Marcus may be released sunday or monday-not exactly what he wanted to hear-but he knows he has to get rid of the fluid-his legs and feet are very swollen-seems the lyrica dose that was increased is working a number on his swelling-so they gave him lasix, which should start working fast and then still waiting for sputum specimens to grow to find out exactly what kind of bacteria infection they are dealing with-meantime, more antibiotics-and trying to slow down on pain meds so he is not so messed up and confused! at this point no side effects from chemo-praise God!! so things are slowly moving in the right direction-we just keep believing and trusting in God!!!! patiently waiting :)